"The Rules" for Guys
"THE RULES" FOR GUYS
THE HOYA
SEX ON THE HILLTOP
NOVEMBER 22, 2002
Women think of relationships the same way they think of dieting — they’ll try just about any advice on either subject. Men? They stick to whatever they’ve always done and wonder why their dating life (or their waistline) doesn’t get any better.
Ultimately, all they want to know is, “How can I get some? Like, right now?”
While I am loath encourage this single-minded goal, there are definitely guidelines men can follow to increase their dating success.
To those who refuse this sage advice, I offer you “Liam.” When asked if he would follow these rules, he said, “No, I’d rather just kinda shoot from the hip. Although I can’t say that’s worked out too great for me.”
THE HOYA
SEX ON THE HILLTOP
NOVEMBER 22, 2002
Women think of relationships the same way they think of dieting — they’ll try just about any advice on either subject. Men? They stick to whatever they’ve always done and wonder why their dating life (or their waistline) doesn’t get any better.
Ultimately, all they want to know is, “How can I get some? Like, right now?”
While I am loath encourage this single-minded goal, there are definitely guidelines men can follow to increase their dating success.
Rule #1: Be Forthright, But Be a Challenge
1. Determine Single StatusYet there’s no question that women love the chase just as much as men. As one male student theorized, “A girl’s like a little puppy. If she knows she has you, you’re like a ball in the corner of a room full of bunny rabbits. What kind of puppy would play with the boring ball when she could run after the hopping bunnies?”
2. Flirt Quickly
3. Get Digits
4. Get the Hell Out of There
He’s right of course. Everyone wants the hopping bunnies. How often have you thought to yourself: “Self, I think I only like him because he doesn’t like me.” It’s the eternal appeal of the unavailable — we always want what we can’t have.
Still, there’s a definite line between being desirably difficult and off-puttingly impossible. The goal is to keep women on their toes while not completely pissing them off at the same time. If your interest in her is consistently obvious, she’ll think of you as a done deal and her attention will falter.
Case in point: last year I dated the “perfect guy”—except he made it too easy. I knew he liked me, and I knew how much. There was no challenge! My interest waned and I told him I wasn’t ready for serious commitment. Eventually he grew tired of my behavior and ended things. All of a sudden, I couldn’t stop thinking about him! Observing my 180, a girlfriend concluded I was merely “chasing the fast white rabbit”—a reference (I think) to dog races.
The moral of the story? To assure a successful dating life, one should act like a bunny.
Rule #2: Think You’re Hot Shit, but Don’t Treat Her Like Shit
Have you ever noticed that it’s not necessarily the hottest guys who get the most girls? Everyone knows a guy who oozes sex appeal—even if he isn’t “conventionally” attractive. I won’t name names, but generally these studs have one thing in common: a lot of self-confidence. They may not be rich, they may not be smart, but they can walk up to the hottest girl in the room and show no fear.
Thanks to evolutionary biology, such self-assurance is a timeless aphrodisiac. You could have the gene pool of Pierce Brosnan, but if you slump around like your sperm isn’t a catch, well, we assume you must know something we don’t!
That having been said, confidence and being mean do not go hand in hand. Despite what you may have heard, women do not like jerks. We do, however, have a tendency to confuse men who treat us poorly and men who are aloof/uninterested/unattainable. The latter is sexy. The former is not.
Rule #3: Call Her, But Not Constantly
Let’s face it, she ain’t gonna call you, buddy.
At the same time, there is nothing in this world that drives a girl crazier than you dropping off the face of the earth for a day or two every now and then. One warning, however: use this tactic judiciously. While there is no doubt that the hard knot settling in the pit of her stomach while waiting anxiously for your call can increase your desirability quotient, overuse can backfire spectacularly.
Hell hath no fury like that of an uncalled woman a week after she was told, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Rule #4: WWGS (What Would Grandma Say?)
Let’s talk manners. While your date and your grandmother may not have much in common, both can — and will — immediately identify even your smallest faux pas. You didn’t open the car door? BAD! You didn’t let her walk first to the table? She’ll make a mental note, you can be sure. You looked at her expectantly when the check came? You’re done. I hear the Jesuits could use a few new recruits.
Of course, she certainly won’t comment on these gaffes. She might even shrug off a few, saying to herself, “Hmm, maybe he was so nervous that he forgot chewing is usually done with the mouth closed.” But all it takes is one “see-food” flashback later that night and suddenly she’s not in the mood anymore. Yes, the consequences of bad etiquette are serious indeed.
Celibacy aside, displaying good manners is an easy way to make a positive impression — especially since very few other aspects of your personality are as easily observable. There are so many other ways to ruin her opinion of you. Why not chose a more creative method?
Rule #5: Seduce Us
I'm just going to spell this out: Bringing us beer in a red plastic cup is not seduction.
You could, of course, try to express yourself in words. But please don’t ruin romantic moments with cheesy and/or frighteningly bad lines we will later tell our girlfriends as we cringe in horror. Subjects to avoid include anything to do with astronomy (us falling from heaven, our eyes being like stars/moons/distant undiscovered galaxies, etc.) and specific statements about body parts (except our face). The worst one I’ve heard: “I want to take a bite out of your butt!”
Just remember, if you can’t say something sexy, don’t say anything at all. That means most of you should be completely silent.
Rule #6: Have Passion and Direction
This is the part about how you should develop your inner soul … or something. Attractive packaging will only take you so far. So get a purpose and a plan, because many women say their biggest turn-on is a guy who is “going somewhere.” And, lucky for you, we don’t particularly care where you’re going, so long as it’s not to rehab. Or prison.
Rule #7: Be a Man of Action
No one likes big talkers who do nothing. You want to show her that you’re a man who accomplishes things! You don’t whine about the world’s problems; you do something about them! And if you can’t do something about them, you talk about them firmly in a serious tone while occasionally pounding the table with your fist and saying things like “We must uphold justice!” and “I’m going to get right on this!”
If you have trouble, watch C-SPAN for a while and you’ll get the hang of it.
Rule #8: Be a Man of Strong Convictions
Women like this, especially if you happen to have the same opinions as her. If you don’t, you’d better Be A Smart Man and Shut Up About Your Strong Convictions.
To those who refuse this sage advice, I offer you “Liam.” When asked if he would follow these rules, he said, “No, I’d rather just kinda shoot from the hip. Although I can’t say that’s worked out too great for me.”