Revealing Your History: Sex, Lies, and Lies About Sex
REVEALING YOUR HISTORY: SEX, LIES, AND LIES ABOUT SEX
THE HOYA
SEX ON THE HILLTOP
JANUARY 24, 2003
In the city that counts among its most infamous sayings, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” the question “Do people lie about their sexual history?” should elicit only awestruck incredulity. You’re kidding, right?
Of course, philandering Georgetown alumni aren’t the only ones with something to hide. Undergraduates with their eye on the sexual bottom line often find themselves being less than honest—or at least far from forthright.
And who can blame them? After all, your sexual reputation can affect everything from your ability to get 2 a.m. Booty Calls to your status among friends to the success of a promising romantic relationship.
It’s a high stakes game, and students learn very quickly that in order to compete they’d better have the numbers. The right numbers, that is. In a collegiate universe some lie up, others lie down (no pun intended), and a brave few wear their virginity with pride.
There’s no question that an “undesirable” history can lead to myriad consequences—including guilt, embarrassment, regret, a bad reputation, and feelings of inadequacy, to name a few. But ultimately, it comes down to fear of judgment. We’re afraid we’ll be judged—by our friends, significant others, parents, community … even ourselves.
Fueled by our persistent insecurities and uncertainties, questions and double standards abound. Will I be perceived as experienced or slutty? Virtuous or prudish? What is the “ideal” number—what is “appropriate”? Does it depend on one’s age? On how many serious relationships you’ve been in? On how ridiculously good-looking you are?
Everyone wants his or her behavior to be seen in the best possible light. But in the maze of sexual politics, the least complicated path might not be the naked truth. From discretion to deception, methods of presenting one’s sexual past to one’s sexual present rarely take the straight and narrow.
People can find grounds for shading the truth in almost any sexual situation:
My friend Julie was so flustered when a prospective boyfriend asked her number that she blurted out, “Oh, I’m a virgin!” She wasn’t. After he went on and on about how much he respected her choice and how she was now “much hotter” because of the challenge, she couldn’t take it back. As luck would have it, one of her friends, unaware of Julie’s newfound chastity, decided that the ride back from their double date would be a good time to joke about sex. And how Julie had had it.
No matter, the guy was unfazed. “Honestly,” he said, “it didn’t really bother me that you were a virgin. But can we have sex now that you’re not?”
Julie has resolved never to be flustered—or go on double dates—again.
Others are more calculated in their hyperbole, although one of my guy friends earnestly insists “It’s not lying—it’s massaging the truth!” From those that like to “pump up” their number to those that like to “take the edge off” their lengthy list of hookups, students span the Fornication Falsity spectrum.
One naïve girl I know is very careful not to date more than one guy in each “circle of friends.” “That way,” she says, “I don’t have to worry about them meeting each other and comparing notes. And I never get a rep!” Another fellow consistently tells his girlfriend that he’s done less with each ex than he actually has. “It works perfectly,” he says, “because then I’m not technically lying, and the girl never admits we’ve done more than I say.”
Still, this sort of tactic can backfire. My girl friend Paige complains bitterly about guys who’ve told her that they “don’t hookup a lot” only to “mack it like a man-slut every weekend thereafter.”
“It kinda offends me,” she grumbles. “Don’t they realize we all go to the same university? I’m not blind!!”
Good point. Be aware of the other person’s access to information when painting a picture that may be, well, less than accurate. You don’t have to barrage your partner with an annotated list of your hooks ups since the 3rd grade—but you might not want to fictionalize your college years. Heck, it’s probably common knowledge anyway.
Of course, some “common knowledge” is just blatant lying hardened into urban legend by countless drunken narrators. “Ah, this place brings back memories,” joked one Hoya alum, “I told all my friends I hooked up over there, over there, over there … oh, and over there. ”
He should heed my friend Sarah’s warning for serial exaggerators: “Guys who blatantly lie about their number are like hyperinflation in Weimer Germany. They lose all credibility, and any sexual prowess they may actually have becomes worthless.” Nothing like a little political history analogy for those errant SFSers. Oh, come on. We know you haven’t slept with three Ambassadors’ daughters and both Bush twins.
In an environment that rewards “creative accounting,” how can one correctly determine the true sexual past of their partner?
American Pie’s “Rule of 3” (multiply girls’ #s by 3, divide guys’ #s by the same amount) only accounts for a limited number of circumstances. Use the following highly scientific equations for the rest:
If x = Number they say they’ve slept with, then the Actual Number for a …
Well … maybe. Hold on to your Boy Scout badge and listen to these Georgetown students answer the question: “How many is ‘just right’?”
Just remember—it’s your history—to tell or not. Don’t let it define you. You aren’t your romantic mistakes. You aren’t your flings, your relationships, your hook-ups or lack thereof. You certainly aren’t your number.
That doesn’t mean people can’t or won’t judge you based upon it, or what they perceive it to be. But that does mean that you should never let your past upstage your present. Ultimately, it’s no one’s business but your own.
The best response? “I never kiss and tell.”
With a wink, of course.
THE HOYA
SEX ON THE HILLTOP
JANUARY 24, 2003
In the city that counts among its most infamous sayings, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” the question “Do people lie about their sexual history?” should elicit only awestruck incredulity. You’re kidding, right?
Of course, philandering Georgetown alumni aren’t the only ones with something to hide. Undergraduates with their eye on the sexual bottom line often find themselves being less than honest—or at least far from forthright.
And who can blame them? After all, your sexual reputation can affect everything from your ability to get 2 a.m. Booty Calls to your status among friends to the success of a promising romantic relationship.
It’s a high stakes game, and students learn very quickly that in order to compete they’d better have the numbers. The right numbers, that is. In a collegiate universe some lie up, others lie down (no pun intended), and a brave few wear their virginity with pride.
There’s no question that an “undesirable” history can lead to myriad consequences—including guilt, embarrassment, regret, a bad reputation, and feelings of inadequacy, to name a few. But ultimately, it comes down to fear of judgment. We’re afraid we’ll be judged—by our friends, significant others, parents, community … even ourselves.
Fueled by our persistent insecurities and uncertainties, questions and double standards abound. Will I be perceived as experienced or slutty? Virtuous or prudish? What is the “ideal” number—what is “appropriate”? Does it depend on one’s age? On how many serious relationships you’ve been in? On how ridiculously good-looking you are?
Everyone wants his or her behavior to be seen in the best possible light. But in the maze of sexual politics, the least complicated path might not be the naked truth. From discretion to deception, methods of presenting one’s sexual past to one’s sexual present rarely take the straight and narrow.
People can find grounds for shading the truth in almost any sexual situation:
- “I lied to my best friend, because she’s so Catholic. I don’t need another lecture on ‘saving myself for marriage.’”
- “I was embarrassed to still have my ‘V-Card’ at the age of 21. I thought, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why is everyone else having sex??”
- “Yeah, I’ll admit it—I’m a man-whore. Like, I’ll say that I ‘know’ a girl but not that I ‘know her’ … uh, in the Biblical sense.”
My friend Julie was so flustered when a prospective boyfriend asked her number that she blurted out, “Oh, I’m a virgin!” She wasn’t. After he went on and on about how much he respected her choice and how she was now “much hotter” because of the challenge, she couldn’t take it back. As luck would have it, one of her friends, unaware of Julie’s newfound chastity, decided that the ride back from their double date would be a good time to joke about sex. And how Julie had had it.
No matter, the guy was unfazed. “Honestly,” he said, “it didn’t really bother me that you were a virgin. But can we have sex now that you’re not?”
Julie has resolved never to be flustered—or go on double dates—again.
Others are more calculated in their hyperbole, although one of my guy friends earnestly insists “It’s not lying—it’s massaging the truth!” From those that like to “pump up” their number to those that like to “take the edge off” their lengthy list of hookups, students span the Fornication Falsity spectrum.
One naïve girl I know is very careful not to date more than one guy in each “circle of friends.” “That way,” she says, “I don’t have to worry about them meeting each other and comparing notes. And I never get a rep!” Another fellow consistently tells his girlfriend that he’s done less with each ex than he actually has. “It works perfectly,” he says, “because then I’m not technically lying, and the girl never admits we’ve done more than I say.”
Still, this sort of tactic can backfire. My girl friend Paige complains bitterly about guys who’ve told her that they “don’t hookup a lot” only to “mack it like a man-slut every weekend thereafter.”
“It kinda offends me,” she grumbles. “Don’t they realize we all go to the same university? I’m not blind!!”
Good point. Be aware of the other person’s access to information when painting a picture that may be, well, less than accurate. You don’t have to barrage your partner with an annotated list of your hooks ups since the 3rd grade—but you might not want to fictionalize your college years. Heck, it’s probably common knowledge anyway.
Of course, some “common knowledge” is just blatant lying hardened into urban legend by countless drunken narrators. “Ah, this place brings back memories,” joked one Hoya alum, “I told all my friends I hooked up over there, over there, over there … oh, and over there. ”
He should heed my friend Sarah’s warning for serial exaggerators: “Guys who blatantly lie about their number are like hyperinflation in Weimer Germany. They lose all credibility, and any sexual prowess they may actually have becomes worthless.” Nothing like a little political history analogy for those errant SFSers. Oh, come on. We know you haven’t slept with three Ambassadors’ daughters and both Bush twins.
In an environment that rewards “creative accounting,” how can one correctly determine the true sexual past of their partner?
American Pie’s “Rule of 3” (multiply girls’ #s by 3, divide guys’ #s by the same amount) only accounts for a limited number of circumstances. Use the following highly scientific equations for the rest:
If x = Number they say they’ve slept with, then the Actual Number for a …
Female = x + Number she wishes she hadn’t slept withWait a minute! What about the importance of honesty? Trust between two partners? Concern over STDs? Integrity, honor, and respect? Do those values just fall to the wayside, bulldozed by the expediency of fulfilling sexual desires, looking good to your partner, putting your best (if false) sexual-foot forward?
Graduate of a Catholic All-Girls High School = 0 + … no, actually, just 0
Male = x – Number he says he’s slept with who don’t actually know his name or what he looks like
Freshman Male = x – x
Lacrosse Player = x + Number he would say he had slept with if he could count that high + Amount of times his name appears on the 2nd floor White-Gravenor bathroom wall
Well … maybe. Hold on to your Boy Scout badge and listen to these Georgetown students answer the question: “How many is ‘just right’?”
Steve: “I look for a girl who’s verifiably slept with more than seven guys—then I know I definitely have a shot!”Hmm. Still think complete honesty is the best policy?
Whitney: “I’m a conservative Republican. That means two or less, baby!”
Ryan: “Oh, I don’t care as long as it’s ‘healthy number.’ What’s a healthy number? Umm … Hmm … Like two?”
Nicole: “Guy virgins at this age are really big turn-offs.”
Mike: “As long a the girl is smoking hot and she breaks guys’ hearts, then she can sleep with as many as she wants. But she has to leave them sniveling heaps.”
Just remember—it’s your history—to tell or not. Don’t let it define you. You aren’t your romantic mistakes. You aren’t your flings, your relationships, your hook-ups or lack thereof. You certainly aren’t your number.
That doesn’t mean people can’t or won’t judge you based upon it, or what they perceive it to be. But that does mean that you should never let your past upstage your present. Ultimately, it’s no one’s business but your own.
The best response? “I never kiss and tell.”
With a wink, of course.