Where are all the guys I’m “Dating with a Lowercase ‘d’” when I really need them??

Glancing at the empty vase on my kitchen table, I panic.  What if no one sends me flowers!?  Thinking quickly, I call an ex-boyfriend, begging him to remember me next week with a Valentine’s gesture of appreciation — for old times sake.

“Um, we dated four years ago,” he reminds me archly.

“So?” I reply, “A sweet little bouquet will prove how happy you are without me!”  Apparently, that seems logical enough for him, as he asks for my address.  I heave an internal sigh of relief.  My vase will not remain empty!!

Personally, I adore Valentine’s Day.  What could possibly be better than 24 hours devoted solely to the colors pink and red, gorgeous long-stemmed roses, unabashed romance, blatant, unmitigated adoration, and lots of kissing?  February 14th is the High Holy Day of Dating — a fabulous flirtation fiesta … a crush courting celebration, a pulchritudinous passion party, a licentious love liaison, a … okay, okay, I’ll stop. I can’t help it, though — it’s my favorite holiday!

Which is probably why no one else I know likes it.

In the past three weeks, I haven’t heard a single positive Valentine’s Day comment.  Despite my adamant cheerleading (“Yay for V-Day! Woo!”), I’ve been met instead with pent-up hostility, latent anger and general romantic resentment.  Between the bitter singles, bitter long distance couples, and bitter just-got-dumped, no one had anything good to say.  One friend of mine didn’t mince words, “That f—ing day sucks.”

Wow.  Tell me how you really feel.

But why?  Why, on a day filled with love, happiness and hopefully lots of sex and/or chocolate, should so many feel so badly?

My friend Molly critiqued the day’s consumerist, forced nature: “It’s a holiday that puts unnecessary pressure on couples and makes single people feel lonely and depressed.  All of a sudden anyone in a relationship has to prove their love through material goods or exciting, manufactured ROMANCE.  Hallmark, Hershey’s and florists benefit, but couples don’t.”

I admit she makes a good point.  Of course, I’m sure Molly’s negativity wasn’t at all precipitated by a recent break-up with her boyfriend of four years.

Another friend of mine prefers to focus on the inherent inequities of the holiday.  “It’s totally gendered!” she rants.  “Men are confined to a rigid construction of ‘male identity’ which dictates that they must do everything while the girl sits back and receives the attention.  I hate it!”  Shockingly enough, this particular friend is doing her thesis in feminist studies at Stanford.  I suggested she spend her Valentine’s Day at the Vagina Monologues.

Men are equally harsh about the holiday.  A group of my single or recently dumped — and clearly bitter — guy friends recently advocated a reformation of the holiday, called, in their own words, “Anti-Vagina Day.”

 “Clearly,” they explained, “Everything that Valentine’s day stands for, ‘Anti-V day’ is against.”

The torrent of bitterness continued as they vented their frustration.  “Anti V-day would be great!” cried one.  “No romantic dinners, no wine, no expensive jewelry!”

Yeah, and no sex!

“I would rather have a beer than a woman any day,” chimed in another.

Well, then I guess it’s good you have a kegerator and not a girlfriend.

For the good sports who do plan to participate, magazines, newspapers and websites are chock-full of the “creative” V-Day advice so ubiquitous this time of year.  With titles like “Cupid’s Looooove Checklist,” the recommendations range from the oh-so-brilliant “ask your date what they like” to the make-me-ralph “write love poems in your journal every day for a month” (consider carefully whether you want someone to have 30 love poems from you after a nasty breakup).

I suppose it’s better than making a photo puzzle of yourself that says “I choose you!”  But I’m sure no one would actually do that … (ahem, Joe Millionaire).

The more gender neutral ideas ranged from the bizarre “be part of a murder mystery” (ah, yes, murder and love make a great combination!), to the surefire bomb “visit a local arcade” (this may be a total turn on … if you’re a 12 year old boy), to the potentially litigious “kidnap your partner” (rrright — and while you’re at it, see if you can actually get arrested!)

And who said that ladies can’t do something for their men? Lovingyou.com suggests gals take their fellows “air combat training” or to “auto racing school.” Nothing like a little pretend war to get the romance flowing. Yow!

For girls who want to guarantee their boyfriends won’t conveniently “forget” Valentine’s Day, they suggest a Martha-Stewart-esque integration of hearts into all meals throughout the week.  Hell, why stop at hearts?  Starting February 1st, serve only red food on heart-shaped plates while wearing pink lingerie, sighing meaningfully at every De Beers diamond commercial and interspersing your conversation with comments like “Andra’s boyfriend Steve got her three presents from Victoria’s Secret.  She’s so lucky to have a guy like that!!” or the more subtle, “There will be no sex if you screw this holiday up.”  He’ll get the hint.

Women’s magazines have a bad habit of writing a couples-focused Valentine’s Day article, then throwing in an ill-advised paragraph for “the singles.”  This month’s Marie Clarie does just that, asking the oh-so-clichéd rhetorical question: “Who needs a man on Valentine’s Day?” and replying to themselves (guess they didn’t get the idea of ‘rhetorical’) with an answer that I only wish was sarcastic: “Send your friends — or yourself — smart, affirming cards … with phrases like ‘Everything you say is fascinating’ and ‘You don’t have a problem’.”   Next to the blurb was a photo — I am not joking — of real cards that said, in pink lettering: “People really like you” and “People want to feel your magic.”

Wait, are you serious?  Send yourself a card that says, “People want to feel your magic”??

Take the advice of Yale’s sex columnist: “Kill yourself.  No, really.  Do it.”

Before you get desperate enough to send yourself pink “I’m Pathetic” cards, just think — you still have seven days to get a date!  They don’t have to be your true love — any fun person will do.  Whether you’re part of a couple, in a long-distance relationship, dating with a lowercase ‘d,’ on a first date, or planning on a V-Day out with the girls (or boys) — appreciate it.

Don’t get caught up in the pressure to attain that elusive “perfect Valentine’s Day.”  It doesn’t exist.  The best evenings — for couples or not — are those in which we have a great time.  Often this is tied directly to how much wine we’ve had.

Okay, fine, it's really about the other person.  You could have the most expensive present, the most ideal romantic evening, and if you don’t enjoy your companion, it will ruin the night.  Any holiday can seem like an over-commercialized “Hallmark” extravaganza — but the answer isn’t to get angry, sad or wear all black and refuse to participate.  The answer is to value it for what it is.

And send a bouquet of red roses my way while you’re at it …

Julia would like readers to know that flowers, candy, jewelry and dinner reservations will be accepted at her apartment from now until February 14th.  She’ll consider serenades on a case by case basis