The suitor in question was mistaken — he did not in fact “booty call” me. I know this because I don’t respond to such communication. Furthermore, I have a very clear memory of this evening, and it consisted of him calling me at 3 am, me realizing we were both walking on O Street and him offering to give me a ride home.

Riiight. He definitely wanted to give me a ride — but it wasn’t in his car.

This is where the male-female communication process broke down. I heard: “Let me give you a lift home.” He meant: “Let me lure you back to my abode with the promise of a ride that I’ll conveniently be too tired to give you once we’re in the warmth of my room, thereby stranding you even further from your home in the bitter cold, and forcing you to sleep at my house so I can hopefully get some action by default.”

What a great booty call to brag about!

Although I made it clear that I was not interested in hooking up with him, the entire evening was spent trying to fend off his obnoxiously insistent advances. In the dance of assumption, he was leading me where I didn’t want to go, stepping on my toes, ignorant of my distress, my desire to sit down.

Sooner or later, I began to think I was the crazy one. My negations seemed to have much the same effect as waving a red flag in front of a bull: the more I protested, the harder he would try. There was no doubt I felt uncomfortable, but I’d been in this situation before — I was used to having to say “no” again and again … and again.

Still, as he finally drove me home the next morning, I couldn’t help but think, “Is this normal? Does every girl have to deal with this sort of continual and unrelenting pressure when she’s alone with a guy?”

Although I’m assertive, an “independent woman” as Tom Wigg would say, I’d rather not have to scream ‘no,’ slug my date in the head, and storm off into the night. Why should my only options be silent consensus or obstinate resistance? As dense as many men are, a skill they should look into developing is the ability to read body language and subtle cues like “No.”

It seems so obvious, so simple. And yet, what frustrated me most was that this occurrence was by no means unique. It struck me that if an outspoken person such as myself wasn’t able to get my point across, other women must be equally hindered. Indeed, many of the girls I spoke with concurred, having faced similar situations.

“Men think they only have to listen to ‘no’ when it’s about sex,” one of my friends explained angrily, “And since the vast majority of my hook ups don’t involve sex, the guys think it’s a free for all — but it isn’t! If I say that I don’t want to take off my shirt, that doesn’t mean ‘Please, wait five minutes before you attempt to remove my shirt again.’ That means ‘I don’t want to take off my freaking shirt, you idiot.’”

With the assurance that I wasn’t the only girl who had endured a pushy suitor, I called the young man in question to set the record straight. The conversation went roughly like this:

Him: If you felt that strongly about it why didn’t you say anything at the time?
Me: Um, I did.
Him: Yeah, but every girl says ‘I won’t do this,’ or ‘I never do this.’ Girls never admit wanting to do anything.
Me: Did it ever occur to you that we really don’t want to do anything?

He was dumbfounded; apparently this was a total shock to him. His reaction was both fascinating and depressing, if only because it illuminated the gaping discrepancy between a male and female perception of the same situation. “Look, I understand your point of view,” he explained, “but the way things are set up, it’s the guy’s job to be forward, to introduce himself, to get her number, to ask her out, and then to be aggressive in a sexual situation.”

“There are lots of girls who don’t do anything, because they expect you to make the moves. If the guy doesn’t push, then nothing’s gonna happen,” he concluded resolutely, confident he had justified his actions.

I just sat there in disbelief. In one sense, he was correct. I always expect the guy to make the first move; it’s just the way things are done. Could it be possible that the conduct I advocate — that is to say, chivalry and gentlemanly assertiveness — was the same behavior that made me feel as if I had been walked all over? Did my approval of such traditionally gendered manners unwittingly create the very situations I most deplored?

And just as I was about to conclude that perhaps the answer was yes, that male behavior in this regard was exasperatingly consistent, I was left bewildered by the opposite problem. In one of life’s little ironies, the next guy I dated put absolutely no sexual pressure whatsoever upon me. As it was quite a shift, I entertained doubts about my attractiveness. But ultimately, was I relieved? Yes. Did I think he was a gentleman? Yes. Did I wonder if he was gay? Yes.

In the end, neither excess nor temperance scored. So what lesson can men take from these two experiences?

I’ll give you a clue. Think Aristotle: find the mean between two extremes. Be confident, but be considerate. Take the lead, but take a hint. A confident guy with a respectful attitude can never go wrong. Or a simpler analogy (for any basketball players who might be reading): Think Goldilocks. You gotta make sure her porridge is just right.

Really, this isn’t hard. Women want strong men who are willing to take control, but who are also perceptive enough to slow or stop when they exceed our comfort zone. Pushing past that point will only get you deleted from her cell phone and blacklisted on various bathroom stalls; staying aloof and not professing your intentions will earn you a permanent spot on the “Just Friends” list, or in extreme cases, an invite to be her shopping partner and meet her fabulous gay friend Frances. Ultimately, the benefits to a happy medium of “assertive restraint” are many — heck, you might actually get some action.

Just remember, a little bit of self-assertive honey catches more good-looking girl flies than a whole lot of cocky, presumptuous vinegar.