I went over my friends, acquaintances, and random people I saw in the library, searching for clues, adding up numbers. Although I did find a few who hadn’t surrendered their V-cards to the goddess of lust, it looks like a lot of us are going to be hanging out in hell together.

In other words, yes, Pope John, we’ve had sex.

That having been established, let’s take a look at the exception: The College Aged Virgin.

Why do these students, female and male, exist? I wondered aloud to the four chaste people I could track down.

The Virgins of Nevils, as I’ll call them, wanted to know the same thing. “We don’t have three arms … or a dick or anything,” one of them exclaimed. Clearly they had thought about this before.

“It’s not like I’m unintelligent or terribly ugly or I have a deformity,” another continued, “I can play sports. So I wouldn’t be an embarrassment to take to a sports game.”

Can you see a guy sitting at a bar, checking off his list while trying to get laid? “1) Intelligent 2) Not ugly 3) No deformities 4) Must not embarrass while at sports games.” No. No, if he has any criteria at all, it’s more like “1) Female 2) See #1.”

As far as I could tell, there were three basic rationales for remaining celibate: religious/moral grounds, waiting to fall in love or no one wants to sleep with you.

I think we all know which category freshman guys fit into.

Ringing a virginal graduate of this university, I posed my question.  “Why am I a virgin?” she repeated, “Mel Gibson, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp haven’t offered yet.”

Was she mocking me? I couldn’t be sure.

But what about religion? Catholic guilt, anyone?

“Alright, there was a little bit of Catholic guilt in the beginning,” she admits. She’s not Catholic. She was definitely mocking me.

No, she explained seriously. She hadn’t done the deed because she hadn’t yet had a serious, long-term boyfriend. She wanted her first time to be with someone she loved.

Hey – I agree completely! In fact, it seems like most people do. The students I talked with aren’t waiting for marriage – they’re waiting for love.

And that means guys as well as girls. When it comes to having sex, most of us really do want to make love. That having been said, how we act on our desires is often the product of our gender, our upbringing, and our peers.

For guys who remain sexually inactive, the judgments can be harsh. “It all likelihood it’s not by choice,” sneered one senior. Another nodded and explained, “well, it just gets questionable when you’re 22 and have never had sex — something just seems odd.”

Some guys spoke of virginity as being something to “get rid of” as quickly as possible, while other guys took the middle road, concluding that it was morally permissive to sleep with anyone they loved. One fellow, obviously a paragon of virtue, argued that students “should be strong enough to save it for one person.”

I politely reminded him that he hadn’t “saved it” for one person. “I was weak,” he explained sheepishly.

It’s definitely more acceptable to be a “lady in waiting.” As one fellow explained, “girls can afford to wait – they don’t look like losers.” Yep. It’s the one time those swell double standards actually benefit us.

A good Catholic boy confided his confusion, “What throws me off is the girls who are virgins but pass out head like candy. Does God like you going down on guys any better than you sleeping with them?”

Hmm. Interesting question to ponder during Sunday mass.

I posed it to my little brother, always the ultimate authority on absolutely nothing. As usual, he couldn’t be bothered. “If you didn’t want to have sex and therefore you haven’t had sex, then sweet. I don’t see why I should cheer for you, though. I don’t think of it as like, winning a trial.”

I think he meant winning a race. Being the son of a lawyer messes up all your analogies.

His point, however unclear, is actually valid. So you’re a virgin because you haven’t wanted to get laid. Good for you. Maybe you’re a non-virgin because you have wanted to get laid. Also good for you.

I’m just not sure one is better than the other. Ultimately it’s a personal choice, and while certainly a lot of judgment is passed either way, that’s a huge waste of time (and of the following words: prude, whore, tease and slut).

Don’t get me wrong — by no means is sex a trivial act. But at times we make it out to be the biggest act of all. “In reality it's a big transition,” says one junior, “but not in comparison with other transitions.”

Yes, making love can be amazing. And yes, it is a big deal. As one young man said, “If you are mentally and physically prepared for it, life is too short not to have a lot of sex.”

And others would say life is too short to regret your first time.

I just say that life is too short to worry about your sexual label.