The solution?  Go to family.  If anyone can tell you your ass looks huge, it’s them. Yep, brothers and sisters are founts of honesty about the unintelligible minds of the opposite gender.

Whenever I need hard truth I ask my baby brother Britt.  A sophomore double majoring in physics and philosophy, Britt is much cooler than I am and always has been.

Like most guys, Britt feels that his level of stubbornness directly correlates with his masculinity.  So I know it’s going to take some formidable persuasion to get him to give me answers. Fortunately, today is his 20th birthday, and if he wants to get something from me other than Ralph Lauren polos and pastel cable knit sweaters (Britt: “nooooo … anything but that!!”), he’ll fess up.

Julia: So Britt, tell me: what do men really want?
Britt: Oh, god. (I can hear him rolling his eyes 3,000 miles away) Sex.
J: Are you trying to piss me off?
B: (laughs) Umm … next question.
J: Fine. What are college guys looking for in a girlfriend?
B: Umm. Reliable sex?

See, this is the scary part. I think he’s being honest. I suspect that with our little pressure-driven lives, most guys, no matter how much they claim otherwise, are all after sex. Sure, everyone wants great conversation and intimacy and all that — but it’s secondary.

Thus, my next question:

J: Why are guys complete tools?
B: False.
J: That doesn’t make any sense.
B: (Laughs)
J: OK, why are guys total pricks?
B: Girls like pricks.

Hmm.  Interesting point.  Women do seem to like pricks. But the key word there is “seem.”  What they actually like is his manly confidence and the thrill of the chase that often comes along with being a prick. Women aren’t really big fans of the whole "being treated like crap" part.

J: How do guys deal so well with breakups? And how can we girls avoid becoming a pathetic mess afterwards?
B: Who likes rejection? We just pretend it never happened. So don’t dwell on the breakup; distract yourself with the things you love to do.

Wow, some solid advice there. And to think I always used to believe hysterical sobbing and hours of over-analysis were the keys to moving on …

J: Do any of your guy friends say they’re in love?
B: Love?
J: You say that word like you’ve never said it aloud before.
B: Well, I’ve never talked about love with a guy.
J: Why?
B: I dunno, I’ve never even thought to bring up the subject.

This boggles my mind. I’m happy if an hour goes by in which I don’t speculate with my girl friends on an astounding variety of love-related issues, questions, theories and male offenses.

J: You know, you’re reinforcing all the stereotypes.
B: Maybe they’re true.  Look, if a single guy is out on a Friday night, his goal is not to fall madly in love, but if he runs into a really hot chick, then sweet.  That’s the key difference between women, who actively seek love, and men, who stumble onto it the way some people stumble onto dog poop.
J: So you guys don’t care if you fall in love or not?!
B: No … Why would I spend my time wallowing over something I don’t have?
J: Because life doesn’t have any meaning without love.
B: Sure, if literally no one loved you, obviously that would be a serious problem.
J: So why do women want soul mates and men want friends with benefits?
B: If you figure out the answer to that, you will rule the universe.
J: Britt, come on. Work with me here.
B: I think the answer is to have superficial sexual relationships which are empty and meaningless but have all the characteristics of real relationships.
J: That’s not fair. I want it all, sex and a meaningful relationship.
B: Well, I guess you’re talking about a lifetime of happiness and partnership — who doesn’t want that? (Burps loudly)
J: (sarcastic) That’s great, Britt. In conclusion, you’ve made me really depressed about the nature of men. Can you redeem your half of the species?
B: Nope.
J: Fine. Any last advice for the ladies?
B: Sure. Consider all guys your “friends with benefits.”

Maybe he’ll get Ralph Lauren polo shirts after all.