Part A: Guys don’t remember specific gifts unless they were really crazy or really bad.

Case in point: I asked my neighbor Beau what he got last year for Christmas from his girlfriend (who happened to be sitting next to him). Scrunching up his face, he thought for several minutes, finally declaring, “You got me that thing.”

"That thing?” She glared at him, “Yeah! The best gift ever, a bootlegged Guns and Roses CD!”

“It was a good gift,” he agreed sheepishly.

Obviously!  He had forgotten about it.

Part B: Women, however, do remember. Everything.

We keep a mental spreadsheet of every gift we’ve ever gotten from a boyfriend, how they each compare, whether we felt happy or disappointed and whether we rewarded or punished the boyfriend afterward.  We can recite this information, and often do, to prove points about a particular male’s merits (or lack thereof).  Gifts, to us, serve as metaphors for our entire relationship.  Gentlemen who give thoughtful gifts are forever remembered fondly.  Ragamuffins who give us a Fix-A-Flat are not.

To summarize: Girls, screw up a gift, and they’ll forget as soon as you take off your clothing. Guys, screw up, and you’ll never see her with her clothes off again.

Lesson 2: Know your audience.

Actual Gift Giving Occurrence:

Girl: “He said it was ‘the best gift you will ever get in your entire life.’”
Me: What was it?
Girl: “A camelback!” (said as if, yes, of course this was the best gift she had ever gotten!)

Umm … right.  It wouldn’t have topped my wish list, but hey, whatever floats your boat … or allows you to drink while riding a bike or something.  Clearly not everyone shares the same taste in gifts.

Actual Gift Giving Occurrence 2:

Several years back, a boyfriend of mine gave me a mounted deer head.  I am not joking.  He gave me an actual, once-alive, freaking deer head for Christmas.  Me, the vegetarian who was once president of the Animal Protection Club in high school.

Perhaps there is some girl out there, possibly in the town Paris Hilton visits on “The Simple Life,” who wants such a gift.

Needless to say, that girl was not me.

Lesson 3: Avoid gift giving inequalities (aka “Guys respond well to pressure”).

Simultaneous giving can result in the uncomfortable, ever-dreaded “mismatch.” That is, you give him a $12-book, he gives you Tiffany’s.  Or even worse, you give him a love letter and an engraved flask and he gives you … nothing?!?

As with anything, prevention is better than the cure. Help him out with obvious hints, like “WOW, it’s REALLY SWEET how Alex got Sarah a GORGEOUS PIECE of JEWELRY for Christmas.  I LOVE JEWELRY!  Sarah is SO LUCKY to have such a GREAT BOYFRIEND.  I bet they have GREAT SEX!”

Repeat four or five times for maximum results.

Also remember …

Lesson 4: What you want to give him he most likely doesn’t want to get … and vice versa.

I called my high school boyfriend, Dan, to assess my success at gift-giving. “So … what did you think of my presents when we were dating?”

He thought for a minute and replied, “They were awful. You — and every girlfriend I have ever had — gives me the same two gifts: underwear and picture frames.”

Busted. I’m a sucker for boxers and photos.

“But I got you a razor once!” I insisted. “Yeah I didn’t like it,” he replied, and continued to rant about the picture frames, “What the f— am I going to do with 26 pictures of my ex-girlfriend?”

“Think about it," he contined, "Eventually you’ll break up — and since your girlfriend inevitably bought you one with hearts and teddy-bears, it’s not really appropriate for anyone but a photo of your new girlfriend, and she’ll be like ‘who gave you this picture frame?’ Then when the ex sees the new photo she’ll be like, ‘who’s that biotch in my frame!?’ It’s a disaster.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way.

So … what do guys REALLY want then?

According to them, “Basically just toys.”

What about a tie?

“A tie is something you give to your estranged father, not your boyfriend," says my ex.  "You should never, ever, ever, get anything that you would get your father.”  Duly noted.

This Christmas I'm getting my father, Peter, gym shorts that say “P DADDY” on the butt.  Do not get those for a boyfriend.

One fellow insisted that he doesn’t like to exchange gifts with his girlfriend. They go to events together instead. “That way it’s more of an experience, less materialistic.”

How existential.

He also writes her a card. “No poems — just what she means to me … some mushy stuff.” Looking up, he realizes his roommate is within earshot. “Earmuffs!” he cries, pointing at him. “Gotta keep my masculinity.”  Of course.

For men who are more acquisition-oriented, a wallet, a watch, DVDs or a flask top the list of standard holiday gifts.

Or try the following:

1. Male Grooming Kit — Because a good looking metrosexual is better than a scrubby heterosexual any day.
2. Fancy Bar Set — It’s never too early for your Neanderthal man to discover sophistication.  Or binge drinking.
3. Designer Silk Power Tie — Every guy needs one.  Even if it makes you look like a tool.
4. A Man’s Guide to Great Sex — either book or video form works!

At least it would be a gift he’d remember!