HELP! MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF CONTROL!
TEEN VOGUE
OCTOBER 2005 ON HOLD UNTIL ??
BY JULIA ALLISON
“My dad was a tragic figure – smart, talented, but addicted to both alcohol and gambling,” says Joan Bauer, who struggled as a teenager growing up with an out of control parent. “He would be missing for a few weeks and then come back home. He’d be just waking up when I came home from school, sitting at the kitchen table in his bathrobe, hung-over. When I was older he would call me late at night drunk and put one of his girlfriends on the phone. He eventually committed suicide.”
Although an extreme example, Bauer’s father is a quintessential Out of Control Parent.
Then there are Kim’s parents, “who are so f—ked up.” Kim’s friend Sandra describes her mother as a “relentless social climber who is only interested in her children as a means of social advancement (private schools, exclusive summer camps, family vacation destinations).” When Kim really needs her parents, they are either unavailable or uninterested.
And Kim? She’s battling anorexia and bulimia, has tried to commit suicide, and has been held back from college for disciplinary reasons. But her mother found a bag of coke and never mentioned it. A cry for attention? “There’s a lot of denial in the household,” says Sandra.
That kind of parenting style sounds familiar to a group of 9th grade girls who go to the elite New York City private school Chapin. “Parents don’t care whether we drink or do drugs, because they do it themselves. They’re just worried about keeping it quiet,” one girl says, “they only care if the school or the neighbors find out.”
The girls described a “crazy party” they were at recently where “we were so wasted we were throwing shoes out the window while the dad was right there making out with his 20 year old girlfriend on the couch. He didn’t care at all – he just didn’t want us to bother his make-out session.”
Of course, few parents are as infamously out of control as Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, who pled guilty to two assault charges in 2004 and followed that up by getting arrested and charged with a felony earlier this year for drunk driving. Derided as “bats—t crazy” by star loving blog Gawker and the “Dad-From-Hell” in the New York Daily News, Lohan is no stranger to misbehaving, with three prison stints under his belt, as well as dishonorable mentions like passing out at a strip club and skipping out on a $3800 hotel bill.
After Lindsay’s mom Dina filed for divorce and an order of protection, citing a laundry list of grievances, Michael violated probation – twice – and was promptly shipped off to substance abuse treatment facility. Shortly after emerging from rehab (touting the benefits of Paxil), Michael offered Dina and the Lohan clan a deal that sounds reasonable only on a soap opera: Forget the restraining order, he said, and film a reality show with the whole (dysfunctional) family instead!
It’s safe to say Michael won’t be winning any parental role model awards in the near future. Although most out of control parents’ antics don’t merit front-page mentions, Michael Lohan isn’t alone in the ranks.
Out of Control parents come in a wide variety – from alcoholics to drug addicts, gamblers to shopaholics. They can be obsessed with their own sex life or throw public temper tantrums (Ever witness irascible sports parents yelling hysterically at the umpire?). Social climbing and neurotic overachieving parents can overwhelm their kids with their unrealistically high expectations for both their academic achievements (get into Harvard and Stanford on a full ride!) and their social success (join Kappa Kappa Gamma!)
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Their problems run the gamut from very serious to almost laughable. On the deranged end you have the Texas mother who plotted murder so her daughter make the cheerleading squad, on the other you have Lisa Gastineau, of E!’s reality series The Gastineau Girls, who says that the “craziest thing she’s done” to her daughter Brittny is installing a giant padlock on her door.
HOW KIDS REACT
Ironically enough, “some out of control parents set no limits, some are really, really strict. according to Dr. Nadine Kaslow, Professor and Chief Psychologist at Emory, “The most common thing is that they’re inconsistent, which is very confusing for their kids.”
Kaslow explains that some teens try to avoid their parents’ crazy behavior by being overly responsible, taking care of everything, getting good grades in school and generally being the “perfect child.” Still, they often feel that “no matter what they do it doesn’t satisfy their parents.” The other group, Kaslow adds, takes “advantage” of the erratic familial situation, rationalizing that they shouldn’t have to follow the rules if their parents don’t. “Some of them say basically ‘screw you, you’re out of control, I’ll do what I want, you can’t boss me around,’” says Kaslow.
Samantha, 14 and a New York city native, is part of the second group. She parties, drinks and does drugs with regularity. Her father, she says, told her “he was once arrested as a drug dealer.” She often comes home reeking of pot, and explains that although her dad “obviously knows the smell, he can’t say anything. He was a drug dealer!”
According to Mimi Doe, who has two teenage daughters and a master’s from Harvard, parents like this have “never really worked through their own teenage issues.” Doe, author of Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul, has talked to thousands of teens and sees two types of reaction to out of control parents. “First there are the kids who dive right in and live a free form life, enjoying the no rules atmosphere and eventually hitting rock bottom because of it.”
“Then there are kids who create their own security within this insecure environment,” by becoming more adult like, extremely conscientious and hyper-responsible. “Especially the eldest child,” she explains, “they often apologize for their parents.”
Lindsay Lohan, if you believe the tabloids, has probably done a little of both: she clearly loves to go out and have a good time, but she also seems wise beyond her 18 years. Even Michael Lohan himself admits that his estranged daughter “was forced to grow up too quickly.” What he doesn’t seem to realize is the irony – that it is his wildly erratic and immature misconduct which may have pushed Lindsay to that state (some speculate that the trials of her father’s bizarre antics took such a toll on Lindsay that she was hospitalized last fall from the stress).
Still, it’s not always obvious if a parent is out of control or not. Lisa Gastineau, inveterate MILF and blonde 40-something star of The Gastineau Girls appears to drink, party, date lots of men, wear big diamonds, and generally spoil her leggy brunette daughter.
But when asked about her style of parenting, Lisa said “I know a lot of stodgy women whose kids are totally out of control. I never really cared what people think as long as I felt like I was doing the right thing. I have the same attitude I did when I was Brittny’s age, but I still enforce certain guidelines.”
“Most of our parents were born in the 50s or 60s and were parented very strictly,” says Dan Schaffer, a graduate of Harvard-Westlake, one of the most prestigious high schools in Los Angeles. “They pledged never to do that to their kids and figure that they will learn by making mistakes, instead of by being told what not to do. However a lot of times the kids interpret that as ‘My parents don’t care,’ and that makes them end up doing worse and worse stuff to try to get their parents attention.”
Courtney, who had an “out of control mother” when she was growing up, said that her mom was “my best and favorite drinking partner.” Explaining that her mother was in “overt denial,” at thirty Courtney finds herself in recovery for alcoholism, drug abuse and other addictions. “It's difficult not to blame her,” she says.
On the other side is Jacque Paul, from MTV’s My Super Sweet 16. Her mother loves to party and have a good time, while Jacque is much more serious and studious. Although her mom is concerned that her daughter needs to loosen up, Jacque says “I’m totally worried about my mom doing something crazy to humiliate my entire life.”
Courtney and Jacque’s reactions make sense to Rachel Baldino, who has a master’s in social work from Boston College. She explains that teens have their own ideas about what parental behavior is acceptable. “When the adults in their lives are out of control, partying and acting wild, there are some teenagers who will find this ‘cool’ or ‘funny,’ and want to join in, whereas many will find such behavior mortifying and want nothing to do with them.”
Baldino studied heroin addicts for a year in a methadone clinic (a type of treatment for such addicts), and saw the reactions of their children. Because of their extreme life circumstances, they had been dramatically thrust into “role reversal” situations with their parents, in which the children had become the care providers. “They become their parents’ protector and caretaker, because if they don’t, no one else will. It’s simply a matter of survival. They have to seize control – it’s a defense mechanism. They are stuck picking up the pieces,” Baldino says.
OVERCOMING OUT OF CONTROL PARENTS
So what can you do if your parent is out of control? Dr. Kaslow’s advice is to find guidance and support through another adult – like a coach, a teacher, other parent, or a therapist. “Sometimes those adults can help you talk to that out of control parent. Sometimes parents can be reasoned with.” In extreme situations, the teen may need to find another living situation, Kaslow adds.
As a result of her father, Bauer wrestled with issues like low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, insecurity and rejection. Eventually she was able to overcome her upbringing, going beyond “being a survivor,” and becoming “rock tough” instead. She details her struggles in her new novel Best Foot Forward.
“I’ve come to understand that part of the healing process is to find a person you can trust to talk to. Addictions and neurosis grip people and they usually don’t understand how much they are hurting the people they love. Out of control behavior often hides behind a wall of denial and defensiveness – it’s part of the sickness. It’s not about you – when you hear the voices saying that it’s your fault, you’re bad, you’re unlovable, worthy of rejection, hurt, and abuse – you have to struggle free from that. You are a person of inestimable worth. You are worth fighting for.”