First date tips for ladies
FIRST DATE TIPS FOR LADIES
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
NOVEMBER 14, 2005
Before I say anything else, I should admit that despite writing and pontificating on the subject of dating for many years, I have committed egregious first date faux pas more times than I care to admit.
I've been shockingly late. I've been nervous enough to down four drinks in 30 minutes – on an empty stomach. I've mentioned every ex boyfriend I've ever had and several sex positions I've never had. I've tried showing off my intellect but drunkenly failed. I've text messaged other boys. I've concluded the evening by going much further than a kiss. And this was all on one date!!
Still, since so many of our great leaders (the Bills O'Reilly and Clinton come to mind) have made "Do what I say, not what I do" fashionable, I thought I'd come up with a list of first date don'ts for women – at least you can learn from my mistakes!
DON'T:
1) Be late. (duh)
2) Spend half the date in the bathroom. He can't see your zit, I promise. And if he can, there's nothing that staring at it in a dimly lit mirror will do.
3) Think that just because sake comes in something shaped like a shot glass means you should try to throw it back like a shot. (I learned my lesson the hard way.)
4) Kill yourself to impress him. Act like you don't care that much. If you bend over backward with him from the beginning, he'll think you're desperate (so what if you ARE desperate? That's between you and your therapist!)
5) Be nervous. Just think to yourself, "For every handsome guy there's a girl who's tired of his shit" and pretend to be that girl.
6) Use your cell. Listen carefully: Take out your phone. Turn off ringer (nice try. Turn off the vibrating ring too.) Do not text message your girlfriends. Do not have them "call with an emergency" (oh god, do you really think he'll believe that?). Do not look at the screen surreptitiously under the table when he's paying the check. Do NOT call the guy you're going to meet later.
7) Have your period. Actually, this is a guy's suggestion, not mine. I'd rather avoid third or fourth dates on my period, right?? I mean, first dates you're PROBABLY not going to do anything that involves, well, him discovering this, and other than feeling bloated and fat, well there's really no harm … wait … bloated and fat? Yeah, you might want to avoid first dates on your period.
8) Ask the following questions, according to Sherry Argov, author of "Why Men Love Bitches,":
a. I want a long-term relationship. Are you with me?
b. When do you want to settle down?
c. How many kids do you want?
d. Do you see yourself living in the suburbs? (Don't EVER use the word "suburbs" on a first date. Ever. Unless it's in a pejorative, mocking tone.)
9) Do more than kiss. You might as well not take the chance that he'll think you're a slut. Yes, it's a double standard. Yes, it sucks. But it almost always ensures a second date. hehehe.
DON'T:
1) Be late. (duh)
2) Spend half the date in the bathroom. He can't see your zit, I promise. And if he can, there's nothing that staring at it in a dimly lit mirror will do.
3) Think that just because sake comes in something shaped like a shot glass means you should try to throw it back like a shot. (I learned my lesson the hard way.)
4) Kill yourself to impress him. Act like you don't care that much. If you bend over backward with him from the beginning, he'll think you're desperate (so what if you ARE desperate? That's between you and your therapist!)
5) Be nervous. Just think to yourself, "For every handsome guy there's a girl who's tired of his shit" and pretend to be that girl.
6) Use your cell. Listen carefully: Take out your phone. Turn off ringer (nice try. Turn off the vibrating ring too.) Do not text message your girlfriends. Do not have them "call with an emergency" (oh god, do you really think he'll believe that?). Do not look at the screen surreptitiously under the table when he's paying the check. Do NOT call the guy you're going to meet later.
7) Have your period. Actually, this is a guy's suggestion, not mine. I'd rather avoid third or fourth dates on my period, right?? I mean, first dates you're PROBABLY not going to do anything that involves, well, him discovering this, and other than feeling bloated and fat, well there's really no harm … wait … bloated and fat? Yeah, you might want to avoid first dates on your period.
8) Ask the following questions, according to Sherry Argov, author of "Why Men Love Bitches,":
a. I want a long-term relationship. Are you with me?
b. When do you want to settle down?
c. How many kids do you want?
d. Do you see yourself living in the suburbs? (Don't EVER use the word "suburbs" on a first date. Ever. Unless it's in a pejorative, mocking tone.)
9) Do more than kiss. You might as well not take the chance that he'll think you're a slut. Yes, it's a double standard. Yes, it sucks. But it almost always ensures a second date. hehehe.