Articles

THE WORST HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR YOUR GIRL
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
BY JULIA ALLISON
DECEMBER 19, 2005

Women can find fault with pretty much any gift a man tries to give her – even if it's wrapped in Tiffany's robin's egg blue ("I wanted PLATINUM, not GOLD!").

If she's going to hate/return your Christmas present anyway, why not at least make it entertaining? The following gifts you should only get your significant other if she has a fantastic sense of humor. But then again, if she doesn't – and you're understandably looking to get rid of her – these make great starts to an enormous fight!

The Insult Gift
1) Think lingerie is a safe bet? Try giving her the "Boob Job Bra." Nothing says "I love you" like insinuating that she needs a breast enlargement. (brastraps.com)

2) The Power Pilates Magic Circle and work-out DVD. Write on package: "New Year's Resolution #1: attack flabby inner thighs." Run. (powerpilates.com).

3) Laser Hair Removal. When you're tired of getting scratched by her stubbly legs, try a gift certificate for free sessions – and just in case, note specific the parts of the body you'd like done: "bikini line, mustache, ankles." (advancedermatech.com)

The Gifts You're Giving Her So You Can Keep Them
1) A yearlong subscription to O'Neill Pub's "Beer & Burger of the Month" club. What woman wouldn't want a year of 2500 calorie dinners?! To confuse her, give with the Pilates DVD. (irishpubny.com)

2) A Nooka watch – it's not one of those boring watches that, you know, actually have numbers on it. It's a new-fangled linear/graphic representation of time, which I don't understand and neither will she. But it looks really cool. And after she's done being confused, you can steal it from her. (nooka.com/buy)

3) The Marshmallow Launcher. Think water guns … with marshmallows. Tell her she'll shoot her eye out and refuse to let her play with it. (thinkgeek.com)

Gifts to Confuse Her
1) Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. She'll spend at least four shrink sessions analyzing this gift. Is he saying you're too bitchy? Is he saying you should be MORE bitchy? Is he saying he's leaving you for that bitch at his office? WHAT IS HE SAYING WITH THIS GIFT???

2) A babydoll tee shirt that spells out "You Are Dumb" in ascii binary. Binary, for all you non-geeks, looks like a bunch of 0s and 1s. Of course, not everyone got an "A" in college computer science like me. Although I slept with the TA, so that could explain it. (thinkgeek.com)

3) What the Bleep Do We Know? by William Arntz. This says "You're just not smart enough for me." For an insult gift, just cross out "we" and write in "you."

Seriously?
1) Freebies from your work. Extra bonus points for those squishy balls printed with a bank name you got for opening a checking account.

2) A can opener, a bottle opener, or any kitchen appliance that can be easily bought at the local grocery store on Christmas eve.

3) Girls Gone Wild DVDs (actually, uh, that's on my list this year …)

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FESTIVUS AT THE SEINFELDS
NEW YORK MAGAZINE
DECEMBER 2005 KILLED
BY JULIA ALLISON

Jessica and Jerry Seinfeld have another kid in the family this holiday season – and nope, it’s not youngest son Shepherd Kellen, born August 22. American Express (the company which Seinfeld has shilled for on occasion) sent little Shepherd an enormous stuffed goat, and had it wrapped at Kate’s Paperie in Soho.

“We wrap everything,” says shop clerk Ashley Jones, who had to stand on a ladder to reach the top of the giant animal.  “It was a little too realistic … but cute.”

Turns out the goat was from the charitable organization Heifer International, a nonprofit which donates animals such as pigs, cows, chickens and goats – hopefully not stuffed – to impoverished communities around the world.

According to spokesperson Elizabeth Clark, the Seinfelds appreciated the philanthropic thought. “They’re thrilled to receive gifts like this.”  Giant goats?  “No, gifts that are charity minded.”  Oh.

This year, the Seinfelds – who celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary December 25th – are buying cribs for a crib drive sponsored by Baby Buggy, the charity Jessica founded to provide clothing and gear for the children of poverty stricken mothers.

Does all this charitable giving take away from the spirit of Festivus, the holiday Seinfeld created to air grievances with family members?  We can only imagine how the rest of the Seinfeld brood – Sascha, 5, and Julian, 2 – might take issue with their new brother over the inequitable distribution of life sized farm animals.

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HOLIDAY GIFTS HE'LL LOVE TO HATE
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
BY JULIA ALLISON
DECEMBER 5, 2005

Traditional holiday gifts for men have started to bore me. How many times can a guy feign excitement over a tie, a sweater, a pair of boxers (not his size) or an enormous framed photo? He's sick of it and hoping you'll buy him Xbox 360, even though he's 47 and complains about finger arthritis.

Xbox isn't happening, but how about mixing it up this Christmas? A friend of mine recently sent me a list of the "Worst Holiday Gifts 2005," compiled by the website ShopInPrivate.com. My favorites? The Razorba Back Shaver (hint, hint, you're a Gorilla), Anal Bleaching Cream (who knew we should be concerned about the shade of this area?), and the how-to kit "Cross Dress for Success" (only if you want your lingerie stretched beyond all recognition).

Of course, the website also offers other gift items filed under various thought-provoking categories, including: "Products for Head Lice and Pubic Crabs," "Incontinence," "Cold Sore Treatments," "Male Sexual Performance" (or lack of it, I suppose), and the ever-popular "Products for Hemmroids." All great starts when you're searching for the perfect holiday gift!

My new philosophy is this: if you're going to get him a gift he'll hate, at least make it a funny gift he'll hate.

My top suggestions?

1) Make him a Trojan condom Christmas tree (think "what would Martha Stewart give Jenna Jameson?"). Take condoms, punch holes in the tops with safety pins, and hang them as ornaments. On the card? "Spread holiday cheer and nothing else." Nothing says Christmas like the promotion of safe sex!

2) Wrap up some Big Headed Boxers (yes, the company really named them that). With a tape measure on the fly, they claim that "everyone measures up." Apparently they didn't meet my ex-boyfriend. Big Headed also makes a Men's Safety Series with warning labels sewn onto the boxers, like "Caution: eye protection required" and "Safety First: Clean Up Spills." He'll love you for that!!

3) Slip "Man Delay: Premature Ejaculation cream" into his stocking. Sing him Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You," but replace the words "you" with "not to fake an orgasm." Now he's feeling the holiday spirit!

4) Create customized postage – yes, like, stamps for all those letters he mails – with a photo of the two of you. Or, even better, just a photo of you!! Especially if you've only been dating for three weeks. (At Zazzle.com.)

5) Wrap up a copy of Congratulations on Your Divorce by Amy Botwinick for your questionably married boyfriend. Nothing like a little encouragement for those wayward rogues dragging their feet.

6) Tie a big red bow around The Flat-D (stands for flatulence deodorizer), "a high tech filter designed to defend against chemical warfare" which has the side benefit of defending against your man's gas. Truly the gift that keeps on giving!

7) If all else fails, grab The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy by Paul Coleman. Well, it's either that or a wrapped Tiffany's catalog with tabs on your "favorite rings." I think he'll prefer the latter.

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