Articles

WHEN OLDER MEN DATE YOUNGER WOMEN

AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"

FEBRUARY 27, 2006

BY JULIA ALLISON

There are very few things I don't approve of these days – I like gay marriage, birth control, Hillary Clinton and plastic surgery. But I cannot endorse mustaches (hipster or otherwise), VH1's "Celebreality," or older guys dating younger women.

The last is more than a little ironic -- as it happens, tomorrow is my birthday, which means the guy I'm currently dating will "only" be 12 years older than me. Oops

I'm in my early 20s, he's in his mid 30s, and together, we're a New York dating cliché. Since just three years ago I was dating a 20-year-old, such an age gap is still new to me – and I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with it.

I've never been one of those girls who has her internal love clock set to Geezer. You know the type – as a high school freshman she went to prom with a senior, in college she dated grad students. And now, in her 20s, she's seeing recently divorced guys taking an early option on their mid-life crises. One of my roommates is like this; at 23, she shakes her head disparagingly at any male born after 1970.

New York City is teeming with young women like her – and older men who strongly believe that dating younger is more than a prerogative, it's a necessity. They may not choose their ideal girlfriend using the hackneyed "Half His Age Plus Seven" rule, but they have no shame when it comes to hitting on women born ten, twenty, even thirty years after themselves. Indeed, according to "seduction" expert David DeAngelo, younger women "bring an amazing energy, vibe and youthful atmosphere … many guys have the experience of feeling more vital when they're with them."

Fantastic. So while some 50-year-old feels "more vital" by hitting on my roommate, I feel only the weight of my imminent Desirability Expiration Date.

Actually, age rarely comes up in my own relationship, other than my oh-so-hilarious jokes at his expense (Me: "When I was 5 you were … 17? You sick [expletive]!" Him: "Yeah, but we weren't DATING then!"). It would be easy to brush it off.

But I wonder at the message it sends to other men, men who see us and think, "Hey, I'm feeling a little lethargic, a little old – why don't I dump my 40 and double down for two 20s?"

Older men who ask me out assume that they're flattering me, and in a way, they are. But no matter how good it feels to be coveted now, I'm pissed at them – and myself – for setting a horrible example: Throw away the older women and date me? One day I'm going to BE the older woman!

I really have no solution; I don't particularly want to leave my boyfriend to make a statement, even if he will collect social security more than a decade before me. Am I a hypocrite? Yes. But I'm a self-aware hypocrite.

Of course, some older-man/younger-woman relationships do work. My aunt married a guy 20 years older than her and had a happy marriage. "And how's that going?" asked my boyfriend. Um, well, he's dead. Oops.

Posted by JA at 07:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

DATING ADVICE FROM THE RICH AND FAMOUS

AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"

FEBRUARY 20, 2006

BY JULIA ALLISON

I am an avid reader of self-help books, and by "avid" I mean, "completely obsessed." My bookshelves would scare away anyone NOT holding a master's degree in psychology with a minor in personal-development, and even then, it's dicey.

So when I saw that Paula Froelich had come out with her own celebrity laden motivational tome, I had to have it. Froelich, a veteran scribe for the New York Post's implausibly venerable Page Six gossip column, was "tired of people asking the same damn questions all the time," ostensibly about how to become rich and famous, as her book is entitled, "It! 9 Secrets of the Rich and Famous that Will Take You to the Top."

Reading P-Fro's book, with its "get-off-your-not-ambitious-enough-butt-and-start-making-extensive-media-contacts" tone, I thought to myself, "Self, a lot of this advice is applicable to dating! Especially the media contacts advice." Okay, not the media contacts advice. But a lot of the other stuff.

I called up Froelich to see if she agreed. After all, she writes / hears / reads / thinks ad nauseam about other people's sordid love lives. "What have you concluded from all of this," I asked, "other than Trista and Ryan should never be allowed in public again?"

"Never date a famous person because if you break up, you have to see them everywhere," she says. "And male promiscuity is just as unattractive as female promiscuity."

So far, so good. I have never dated anyone famous, and I will never be a man-ho, due to my persistent lack of a Y chromosome.

Froelich, who "hates weddings," likes "manly men who know how to fix a toilet," and recommends against dating journalists "because they're worse than actors," (is that possible?), notes that she herself is single and "it's been hell."

Although Froelich maintains that "you can't really work for dating, it's just luck," I politely but vehemently disagree. In fact, I recommended she take advice from her own book, namely:

1) "Nothing good happens right away." Witness The Bachelor. Instant Prince Charmings do not exist in reality, television or otherwise.

2) "Show Up." My younger brother, who just got a fellowship in quantum physics at MIT (guess which kid my parents are proud of?), says that showing up is 80%, not f-ing up is the other 20%. You have to actually GO on the date first before you have an opportunity to screw it up.

3) "Believe in yourself and your own fabulousness." (aka, the Lizzie Grubman rule). Froelich cites Grubman, who has decidedly high self-esteem for someone known primarily for running innocent rich people over with a Mercedes. She has a point, however, "If we're having a bad time – we attract awful people. You get what you put out there." So put out fabulous and you'll get fabulous. Which sounds like a bumper sticker Kimora Lee Simmons would have on her hot-pink hummer.

4) "True and lasting success is attained mainly by having a good, positive attitude, being completely committed to a clear goal and dedicating yourself to realizing that dream." Mission statement alert!!! Sounds like something Dr. Phil would endorse, which makes me throw up in my mouth a little, even if it IS a concise and optimistic dating mantra.

And, if all else fails, "never date a man with a van," the purview of rapists and burglars, according to Froelich's Queens-bred mother.

Now that's self-help!

Posted by JA at 07:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A VALENTINE'S DAY FOR CHEATERS

AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"

FEBRUARY 13, 2006

BY JULIA ALLISON

Monday is Valentine's Day for cheaters. Or so a friend of mine, one with a long and storied history of infidelity, mentioned to me recently.

This particular friend, who we¹ll call Steve (to protect the guilty), regularly schedules "business dinners" with his various lovers on the day before Valentine's Day, leaving him free to spend the actual holiday with his wife.

"Notice the proliferation of young women out with old men tonight," he says. "Probably not their wives."

Steve actually may be a little brighter, or more devious, than most cheaters. According to a recent Wall Street Journal article ("One Tough Day for Two-Timers"), private detectives in various cities across the U.S. regularly double or triple their adultery case load on this most romantic holiday.

Both the gumshoes as well as the divorce lawyers quoted seemed to agree that evidence of cheating is much easier to find on Feb. 14. But why are normally surreptitious two-timers suddenly careless?

Ruth Houston, author of the book "Is He Cheating? 829 Telltale Signs" explains, "All the cheaters have to make contact that day." The moral of the article: Stupid cheaters, plan ahead. (The irony that this article would be in the WSJ, beloved by corporate miscreants known for trophy mistresses, does not escape me.)

When I talked with Houston later, she expounded on how to catch a Valentine's Day cheater red handed. "Infidelity doesn¹t disappear on Feb. 14, cheaters just have to buy two gifts instead of one." So look for receipts, she recommends.

"If he bought two pairs of diamond earrings, you can be sure one wasn¹t for his mom. If your girlfriend has a new red lace teddy, it wasn¹t a gift from her sister." And watch for excuses, says Houston. Women often say they're going to visit a sick friend or relative while men consistently use office-related errands to get away.

If you DO find your significant other makes Bill Clinton look well-behaved, there's nothing wrong with a little revenge.

First, delete all music on his iPod and upload Whitney Houston¹s "It¹s Not Right (But It¹s Okay)." Set to repeat.

Then register him on www.dontdatehimgirl.com, the searchable database of cheatin' men outted by the very women they've cheated on. One woman posted "nasty naked photos" of her adulterous ex on www.Classmates.com right before his 30th reunion. Nice.

And finally, keep the diamond earrings. You definitely earned them.

Posted by JA at 07:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

VALOWEEN: A BADLY NEEDED MAKEOVER FOR A BORING OLD HOLIDAY

AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"

FEBRUARY 5, 2006

BY JULIA ALLISON

I have to admit -- my past two Valentine's Day columns, seeped in saccharine optimism, weren't exactly crowd favorites.

"Overly sentimental," "Boring," "Way too preachy." And that was from my mother!

Valoween, on the other hand, was a huge hit.

Skeptical readers, tired of hokey tradition, loved my invented Halloween-Valentine's Day combination:

• "I was in the 'bah humbug' camp, but have been swayed to the light. Valoween isn't brilliant. It's completely brilliant."

• "I'm one of those single people that gets bitter around Valentine's Day. I call it 'Happy Hateday.' I even made red construction paper hearts with the words 'Love Sucks.' I was intrigued with 'Valoween' though.

Tell me more about this proposed alternative to the mushy holiday."

Uh, Happy Hateday? OK, psycho. Anyway, Valoween is a combination of the party-atmosphere and costumes of Halloween with the red/pink color scheme and sexiness of Valentine's Day. It's a replacement holiday for singles who want a celebration, not a boyfriend -- or couples who are sick of the dinner, roses, candy routine. After all, there's nothing better than playing dress-up to make a depressing holiday palatable -- even (gasp!) likable.

• "This is what every single Valentiner needs! Halloween has turned into one of the most scandalous holidays for the young and trendy. Why shouldn't Valentine's Day hold that stigma? I'm in." Yes, I'm all about trying to give as many innocent holidays stigmas as possible. Next up? Easterween.

Valoween also appealed to the oxymoronic among us:

• "As someone who has been shafted many times, I am also an eternal optimist. So despite the fact that I hate this holiday, I also embrace it."

What?

And to those who think too hard about everything:

• "Halloween is supposed to be scary, and Valentine's Day is supposed to be fun. But in reality, it's the reverse. 'Valoween' is the true holiday of the modern relationship."

Readers wanted to know where they could join in the celebration:

• "Where? When? What costume?"

You're in luck! I'll be hosting the First Annual Valoween Party on Tuesday, Feb. 14 at Marquee. Costumes? Anything pink or red will suffice -- or be creative -- how about a love doctor, cupid, queen of hearts, vampire or Mayor Bloomberg (very romantic).

After all, as one reader said, "Why settle for the old-fashioned mores of Valentine traditions, when you can re-invent it as Valoween? At first, people might think, 'You're nuts, Julia!' but who cares? It's the lunatics that make progress (and run the asylum)." Um, glad I could make you happy.

Of course, you can't please everyone:

• "Valoween? That's what you came up with? Sounds like a venereal disease."

Julia expects to see all the Valentine's Day cynics at the First Annual Valoween Party. Wear a sexy costume, or else she won't help you get any.

Posted by JA at 07:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)