How long do you rebound?
HOW LONG DO YOU REBOUND?
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
MARCH 20, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON
Both of my roommates recently broke up with their long-term boyfriends, so rebounding flawlessly is our subject du jour.
Ah, Rebound Time (or RT) -- the sometimes gut-wrenching, sometimes gratifying but always cathartic experience after a big break-up. Although I'm a believer in embracing the proper RT for maximum personal growth (I love personal growth), I see women trying to exit that process as quickly as possible, which undermines its positive impact. So just how long should RT be?
Enter the new off-Broadway musical "I Love You Because," which features an actuary named Diana who comes up with a brilliant formula for determining the appropriate post-breakup Rebound Time.
Although the equations themselves were too complex to repeat verbatim, certain elements struck me as so useful that I'll paraphrase them here for you:
First, take your Relationship Length -- or RL. For the first year, give yourself six months. For every subsequent year, add half of the recovery time from the year before.
Factor in other influences -- like "how right the break-up felt" or how badly it ended. (Did she cheat on you? Did he leave you on your anniversary?)
Integrate the ARL -- or Adjusted Relationship Length -- that is, not how long you actually dated, but how long it FELT like you dated.
The ARL goes up or down according to three factors: First, what number boyfriend was he? (The Number Boyfriend Index, or NBI). Second, who broke up with whom? And finally, rate the bitterness factor (BF) on a scale of 1 to 10.
Integrate all these components (and do lots of other things with numbers I couldn't follow) and voila -- you get your RT, the "fraction of a year it takes for the pain to disappear."
Of course, it doesn't really matter what number you arrive at -- just give yourself sufficient time. Most importantly, Diana says, RT absolutely "can't be shortened… so don't even try. You can date around but then those guys will just be rebound men."
Exactly! Rebound Time is the perfect occasion to enjoy dating wildly inappropriate people because it won't (read: SHOULDN'T) turn into another relationship.
In fact, insists Diana, in order to find Mr. Right after you're done healing, it's best to date a slew of Mr. Very Wrongs while you're still wallowing in RT. You need to "hit boyfriend rock bottom" first before you start afresh.
So my very public advice to my roommates is the same as Diana's: Embrace your RT, and "find someone who's perfectly wrong." After all, "[we're] in New York, so that shouldn't take too long."
Although the equations themselves were too complex to repeat verbatim, certain elements struck me as so useful that I'll paraphrase them here for you:
First, take your Relationship Length -- or RL. For the first year, give yourself six months. For every subsequent year, add half of the recovery time from the year before.
Factor in other influences -- like "how right the break-up felt" or how badly it ended. (Did she cheat on you? Did he leave you on your anniversary?)
Integrate the ARL -- or Adjusted Relationship Length -- that is, not how long you actually dated, but how long it FELT like you dated.
The ARL goes up or down according to three factors: First, what number boyfriend was he? (The Number Boyfriend Index, or NBI). Second, who broke up with whom? And finally, rate the bitterness factor (BF) on a scale of 1 to 10.
Integrate all these components (and do lots of other things with numbers I couldn't follow) and voila -- you get your RT, the "fraction of a year it takes for the pain to disappear."
Of course, it doesn't really matter what number you arrive at -- just give yourself sufficient time. Most importantly, Diana says, RT absolutely "can't be shortened… so don't even try. You can date around but then those guys will just be rebound men."
Exactly! Rebound Time is the perfect occasion to enjoy dating wildly inappropriate people because it won't (read: SHOULDN'T) turn into another relationship.
In fact, insists Diana, in order to find Mr. Right after you're done healing, it's best to date a slew of Mr. Very Wrongs while you're still wallowing in RT. You need to "hit boyfriend rock bottom" first before you start afresh.
So my very public advice to my roommates is the same as Diana's: Embrace your RT, and "find someone who's perfectly wrong." After all, "[we're] in New York, so that shouldn't take too long."