Articles

FULL'ER UP: DATING ADVICE FROM BONNIE
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
APRIL 24, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

 

Bonnie Fuller believes in ultimatums. More than 23 years ago, she gave her now-husband a big one: "Either propose in six months or it's over."

That was their third date.

Bonnie Fuller does not mess around.

The woman who's run four of the biggest women's magazines in the country (YM, Marie Claire, Cosmo and Glamour), along with two of the nation's guiltiest pleasures (Us Weekly and Star), has an instinctive aptitude – some say genius – for knowing what women want.

And according to Fuller, what women want (besides invasive candids of stars being "just like us", except richer and more beautiful) is basically, well, everything.

Fuller stands ready to bring back the '80s mantra of "you can have it all," in her new book, interminably titled – deep breath – "The Joys of Much Too Much! Go for the Big Life--the Great Career, the Perfect Guy and Everything Else You've Ever Wanted (Even if You're Afraid You Don't Have What It Takes)."

A 33-word mouthful of a title somehow seems appropriate when the subject is cramming as much stuff as possible into your life.

Still, however much Fuller eschews simplicity, the wisdom contained within the classic chick-lit fuchsia book jacket tends to be pragmatic and uncomplicated.

Fuller's perspective, informed by her Canadian upbringing as an "ugly duckling" far from Manhattan's media elite, fueled her infamous ambition and counter-intuitively led to her success, she believes. "I could relate to normal girls and women because I was normal."

To be sure, Fuller's advice, and her magazines, have always been tailored for the "normal" girl, the anti-Anna Wintour – the "frazzled woman whose hem is held up with a safety pin or tape," whose body isn't effortlessly thin, tanned, and toned, with a gorgeous, rich, thoughtful husband and blonde baby Einsteins who never cry.

Her counsel on dating, despite not having been single since she was 26, is particularly accurate, if prone to truisms. A few gems:

- No More Crazy Checklists for "Mr. Perfect." "I know so many women who want a guy with it all -- a ton of money, a more prestigious job, a certain number of years older, as well as gorgeous and socially acceptable, of course. Such out of control expectations unnecessarily limits your options. Stay open to the widest range of people and experiences possible in your life!"

- If you don't find Mr. Right immediately, "don't get discouraged or bitter, get busy." "The more you accomplish in life, the better you'll feel about yourself, and once you like yourself, you'll be more likely to find the love of your life."

- Forget about Love at First Sight. "I've heard so many women say 'it wasn't like love at first sight' – but you don't need to instantly fall in love with someone. When I first met my husband, I wasn't impressed at all – we just gave each other a limp handshake. A lot of times it takes time!" Don't judge on first impressions.

- No more saying, "When I … Then I'll," as in "when I find a husband, then I'll buy a house." "Don't deny what you want to do just because you haven't found Mr. Right. Because as you're waiting for life, life is going by. Your 'real life' is now!"

- If he's not the right guy, MOVE ON. "Don't waste years of your precious life with the wrong man – why would you bother? There are other fish in the sea. You can fall in love more than once. Look at Jen Aniston!"

"Except," she adds, "I'm a little worried about her checklist. She's got to have a pretty enormous checklist."

Jen's checklist aside, Fuller's message is that you don't have to be perfect – or paired with Mr. Perfect – to be happy. "We always think there's some other woman out there who has it all – who sails through life in a white suit (and nothing ever drops on it), who has an organized sock drawer. I mean, who's like that?"

Um … well, actually, I do have an extremely organized sock drawer.

Posted by JA at 08:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

RELATIONSHIP BIOLOGY: HARD-WIRED TO FRUSTRATE?
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
APRIL 17, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

 

Women constantly seek improvement ­ of themselves ("Extreme Makeover"), their surroundings ("Extreme Makeover ­ Home Edition"), and of course, their relationships (umm--Dr. Phil?).

Men, on the other hand, won't read the manual until it doesn't work.

How is it that these admittedly stale stereotypes still exist? Because they're true, according to Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: 8 Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."

"The average man, unless pressed for answers, does not actively think much about relationships," he says.

Although I am neither married, nor a man, I'll read any self-help book that lands within a three-foot radius of my eyes.

Intriguingly, I almost always learn something, if not life changing, at least thought-provoking.

With Haltzman's book, which can easily be applied to relationships outside the bonds of holy matrimony, I was informed that men are not "relationship incompetent," they're just told they are so often that they end up believing it.

I learned that couples need to "get past the feminized and idealized notions of the 'perfect' relationship," and that "talking about feelings may be overrated." I discovered shockingly enough­ that it's women who initiate splits (especially divorce) more than two-thirds of the time.

Although women are more likely to complain about their relationships, both genders tend to leave relationships "because they think they're with the wrong person." They find someone else, do the same things and wonder why nothing is different.

"I think we're all with the 'wrong person,'" says Haltzman.

Maybe so. But I think what he really means is that there is no 'perfect' person, and certainly no perfect relationship (this shouldn't be news to New Yorkers).

Instead of tirelessly searching for that elusive love-topia, Haltzman recommends working on what you've got already. Or as Tyra Banks would say, "Work what yo mamma gave ya." Although I guess in this case it would be what your partner's mamma gave ya.

Recognizing what you can and cannot change is key, especially as disparities between male and female biology explain many of the persistent frustrations we have with our significant other.

Apparently, females have larger deep-limbic systems (the emotion centers in the brain), and males have fewer neural pathways to the limbic systems­ "reason number one that females are more in touch with their emotions."

Reason No. 2? Researchers have found that after an emotional event, the amygdala, which plays a key role in the processing of emotions, remains active longer in women.

In men, it quickly shuts down as their brains engage other areas; "men simply don't hold on to emotional responses for very long without searching for a rational response to process the emotion."

And finally, Haltzman guides us to the brain's hippocampus, which plays a key role in emotional memory. Women's hippocampi are larger and have more neural pathways, explaining their ability to remember emotional events with much greater longevity and color.

Which completely explains The Boyfriend's incessant and exasperating inability to recall anything that even tangentially concerns our relationship.

"Men have emotional ADD," he shrugs when offered a rare chance to defend himself. "We can only take listening to your problems for a minute. When we have issues, we'll fight them out and be done with it ­but you keep Microsoft Outlook reminders so you don't forget to harass us every few days."

How did he know about those!?!

Posted by JA at 08:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

ULTIMATE PLAYBOY HUGH HEFNER TURNS 80
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
APRIL 10, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

Hugh Hefner was just 27 years old when he launched the first issue of Playboy, featuring the iconic Marilyn Monroe shot with "nothing on but the radio."

Sunday--53 years, two marriages, four children and countless girlfriends later--the original Playboy officially became an octogenarian.

Armed only with a large mansion, dozens of staff, silk pajamas and a mountain of Viagra, Hefner relentlessly continues his good-natured pursuit of hedonism.

So far, at least according to his E! reality show "The Girls Next Door," it looks like he's succeeded. Single for all but 20 years of his adult life, Hefner has produced such polarizing personal lore, it will likely trump the legacy of all but two or three of this century's U.S. presidents. After all, in a battle between sex and politics, sex always wins.

If the feminist mantra is "the personal is political," Playboy's (and Hefner's) is "the sexual is political."

"I would like to think that I will be remembered as someone who had some positive impact on the socio-sexual values of his time," Hefner said in an interview with Fox News last Friday.

An impact? No question. Playboy has been credited with (or blamed for) everything from glamorizing bachelorhood to denigrating marriage to "kick-starting the endless sexualization of everyday American life."

No one appreciates Hefner's cultural importance like Hef, however. "Sex is the primary motivating factor in the course of human history," he wrote in the introduction to The Century of Sex: Playboy's History of the Sexual Revolution, "and in the 20th century, it has emerged" (thanks to Playboy) "from the taboos and controversy -- to claim its rightful place in society."

After flourishing in its groundbreaking first decades, Playboy nose-dived in the '80s, shuttering its clubs and casinos, while Hefner -- the King of Robust Health and Committed Bachelorhood -- both had a stroke and got married.

Still, monogamy (and staid living) didn't captivate Hef for long.

After his 1998 separation, Hefner found a culture both substantially sexualized ("Girls Gone Wild," Internet porn) and significantly inured to the trappings of sex ("Sex and the City," and again, Internet porn). Suddenly, Playboy wasn't shocking -- it was retro kitsch.

Hefner, once called an "Unfrozen Caveman Swinger, cryogenically preserved since the '70s," by Slate magazine, has since multiplied his decades-younger girlfriends, keeping three or more at a time (and making HBO's "Big Love" look positively quaint).

"The interesting thing," Hefner says delightedly, "is how one guy, through living out his own fantasies, is living out the fantasies of so many other people."

Of course, along with women over 35, the indefatigable Hefner dismisses age as inconsequential, "If you are healthy, age is largely a number. I'm planning on another quarter-century."

Good news for Viagra!

Posted by JA at 08:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

SNOOPING AND TELLING
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
APRIL 3, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

There are three kinds of snoopers in this digital age: strictly online, real world, and then there's "Jane."

Jane, a 25-year-old Northwestern graduate who asked that her real name not be used, has a black belt in Snooping, primarily on her boyfriend of almost four years, Ted, a 26-year-old reporter for an Illinois newspaper.

In her defense, Ted has a tendency to get confused about fidelity, and throughout their tumultuous courtship, she's had more than a few reasons to suspect him of straying. But unlike other women, she doesn't settle for conjecture -- she investigates.

Jane, a financial recruiter, says Ted "set himself up for it way back when we first started dating by giving me his original email password -- so obviously I was going to check it, just to see what ex-girlfriends might be emailing him."

Of course. Although I can't understand why anyone would give The Significant Other an email password (in what situation would they ever "need" it?), I can absolutely understand the burning desire to take a peek. I've definitely done that before. (Although choosing "Julia" as your password, as one of my boyfriends did, was practically begging me to look.)

Jane didn't stop at mere amateur email-checking, though.

"Since then, I've obtained every other email password, the password to his bank, and his credit card passwords. Oh, and his voicemail passwords."

Getting the credit card passwords wasn't difficult, because she remembered info like his mother's maiden name and his SSN. "He was really secretive about his voicemail password though," she says. "The trick to getting that, if you can't tell by watching him check it, is to look at the 'recent notebook' entry on his phone after he checks it. And if you're listening to his voicemails but still want them to appear as 'new' messages when he logs in, hit # before the end of the message to skip it." Clever.

Poor Ted must have figured out something was up, because "he got creative and started changing his passwords more often. So I installed Keylogger Lite on his computer. It's not 100% hidden though, so you have to be careful – don't install it on the computer of a guy who is constantly running spybot. You can buy programs that are 100% hidden, but they cost like $50."

Jane doesn't need Keylogger Lite to check Ted's Internet browser history – the easiest and perhaps most revealing look at what your significant other does with his/her free time. I once checked a boyfriend's Recent Page Views and found dozens of search queries for "small white bumps," and "STD info" – no joke. Ahhh!!

And don't forget very basic reviews of his cell phone Call Log (if he doesn't purge it regularly), and his text messages (my favorite, because they often forget to delete the naughty ones).

Jane hasn't yet stooped to a horrible (or horribly brilliant) method one fellow told me he used on his girlfriend – the GPS cell phone. His mobile had the capacity to see where her mobile was at all times, and she had no idea. Scary. But, er, useful, I guess.

And she hasn't yet tried the "most popular" way to catch a bad-apple spouse, at least according to the guy at my local Radio Shack – the voice-activated digital recorder. Stow it behind the couch at your significant other's place, and when they next speak, you'll have it all on tape.

If sounds aren't enough for you, purchase one of the numerous household devices that come with hidden pinhole cameras. A cursory Google search will hook you up with everything from a clock-radio to a hollow book to a fake smoke detector to a coffee-maker – all wired with hidden cameras. (Although, c'mon, what will you really prove with the coffee-maker camera? That she lies about going to Starbucks??)

Of course, the ultimate Catch-Them-In-The-Act Trick is the Fake Screen Name. Set one up and see how far you can go.

As for Jane, she's finally content. "I'm not a lunatic. Knowing that I can snoop makes me feel a little more confident that nothing is going on," she insists.

"After all, a girl has to protect herself." And then some!

Posted by JA at 08:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

KIMBERLY VERTOLLI-KIRK: A “MODERN” CONGRESSIONAL WIFE
CAPITOL FILE
SPRING 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

Few Congressmen meet their future wives in the Pentagon’s War Room, but Kimberly Vertolli-Kirk isn’t your average Congressional spouse.

Described as “model-hot,” by the DC political blog Wonkette, Vertolli-Kirk is actually more GI Joe than Barbie.  A four-time marathon runner and one of the few women graduates of the US Naval Academy, Vertolli-Kirk was an active duty Naval Intelligence officer in February 1998, when she made the acquaintance of her husband-to-be.  “It was supposed to be my weekend off,” she explains, “but Saddam had just thrown out the weapons inspectors and we were preparing for a strike on Baghdad.”

Although the actual attack got called off within a few hours, Vertolli-Kirk was obligated to stay at the desk with the weekend reserve officer – “just in case.”

That Reserve Officer turned out to be a fellow named Mark Kirk – then counsel for the International Relations Committee.  Kirk wooed her with Washington staples: politics, law and world travel via CO-DELS.  “I thought he was going to be really boring,” Vertolli-Kirk remembers, “so I was surprised and impressed.”

A year and a half later they were engaged, and three weeks after that, Kirk announced he was running for Congress in Illinois.  “It turned my life upside down,” says Vertolli-Kirk.  “Instead of Modern Bride, I steeped myself in the Illinois Blue Book.  The political world was completely new to me.”

Vertolli-Kirk, who was raised in New Jersey and lived in DC until she finished her Naval obligations, quickly made the “radical move” to the Northern suburbs of Chicago to help then-fiancé Kirk on the campaign trail.

“It was exciting and terrifying,” Vertolli-Kirk says of the transition from military officer to Congressional Spouse.  “I imagined being a Congressperson – but never marrying one!”

After Kirk won the seat, Vertolli-Kirk agreed to live in her husband’s home district for a time.  After two years of tireless campaigning, she was ready to focus on her own dreams.  “Everyone wants you to be ‘Mrs. Congressman Kirk,’” says Vertolli-Kirk, who decided to keep her own name.  “It roils my sense of independence and identity.  I decided I needed to get back to becoming the person I wanted to be – and that meant earning my law degree and having work and a paycheck of my own.”

Accepted at Northwestern Law School (“one of the happiest days of my life”), Vertolli-Kirk was able to indulge her life-long interest in international feminist jurisprudence and women’s reproductive rights, not stereotypical areas of study for Republican spouses.

In fact, while her husband sits on the right, Vertolli-Kirk leans left.  “The role that government and religion plays in the exercise of women’s rights remains one of my primary intellectual interests,” she says.  “If the NRCC knew how different we were politically, they’d probably want to find him a new wife!”

Graduating from Northwestern last May, Vertolli-Kirk, now 32, moved back to Washington this winter, driving a “monster” rental moving truck across the country single-handedly.  Although she’ll miss Illinois, Vertolli-Kirk explains that the work she wants to pursue – national security – is only available in Washington.

Besides, she adds with a smile, “here, I’m one of 535 congressional spouses, so I can go grocery shopping in my sweats and no one looks twice at me.”

Posted by Julia Allison at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

GET THE KISSING YOU CRAVE
COSMOPOLITAN
APRIL 2006
BY JULI A ALLISON

There’s nothing worse than having a fabulous date with a sexy man, anticipating the moment when your lips will finally lock for the first time and … it’s awful.  Total buzzkill.
“Four out of five women consider a kiss bad if there’s too much tongue, if they can’t breathe during the kiss, or if the guy triggers their gag reflex,” says William Cane, author of The Art of Kissing.  That’s enough to make any girl cringe when her not-quite Casanova comes close.

Luckily, “men are highly motivated to be better kissers,” says Galen Buckwalter, PhD and VP of research at eharmony.com.  After all, the hotter the kiss, the more likely you’ll be to take it to the next level!

So don’t worry if your man’s lip-locks make kissing your arm look good – with these tricks you’ll be able to reform your Romeo’s imperfect peck without crushing his ego!

Stop a Sorry Lip-Lock

 “Never say ‘We need to work on kissing’ while you’re actually kissing,” says Shelley Hess, author of Pucker Power: Great Kissers Make Great Lovers. “Men’s egos are more fragile than a Faberge egg.”

When his canoodle leaves you cold, “close your mouth, bring your teeth together and tighten your jaw,” says Hess.  “He will immediately sense that his kiss isn’t doing it for you.”

According to Hess, men salivate four times faster than women.  For kissers who should come with a roll of paper-towels, try pushing him away slightly or kissing his neck.  “Tell your man what they’ve been telling you for years,” says Hess, “‘it’s okay to swallow!’”

For those offenders whose tongues stay dead and unmoving, encourage them to “explore your mouth almost like a dental instrument – it engages all the nerve endings,” says Hess.  “Just like a flaccid penis doesn’t work, a flaccid tongue doesn’t work.”

Let Him Read Your Lips

Subtle hints not working?  It’s time to take the reigns and steer the smooch so you get the kiss you crave.

“Men love for the woman to take the first step,” says Hess, “which makes it easy to show your partner the ideal way to kiss.”  Explore different kinds of kisses, remarking on the ones you like best.

“Men are like children,” says Buckwalter, “the key to changing behavior is to catch them when they are doing something right – not when they are doing something wrong.”

The easiest way to do that is to give him a sexy running commentary, letting him know what feels great to you, “I love you nibbling on my ear!”  He’ll be so turned on he doesn’t even notice you’re giving him the intro lesson to Kissing 101.

Set the Mood

Sometimes his kisses aren’t even bad – but you’re in the mood for a different sort of lip lock.

Let him know with your body language what pucker permutation you’re pining for.  “Some women like it rough, some women like it soft,” says Hess.  Don’t let him control the kiss, “give him a physical example of what you want.”

If you want it hot and passionate, press your body against his.  If you’re dying for a slow, sensual smooch, cup his face in your hands and guide it slowly to yours.  Feeling playful?  “Bite his lips or earlobes to show you're excited,” says Cane.

“With a little direction men usually get the point that good kissing works out for everyone’s best interest,” says Buckwalter.

Now you’re on the road to an unsurpassable smooch.

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