The key to minimizing pain associated with your first year lies in the following: You don’t have to repeat the mistakes naïve freshman have made since the dawn of co-education.

1. Dump the High School Boy/Girlfriend: Do NOT, under any circumstances, let a high school relationship segue into a long distance college romance.  I’m sorry, maybe you didn’t hear me.  DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES KEEP A HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIP GOING.  You’ll spend the majority of your year squandering anytime minutes, sobbing on the phone, tediously proclaiming your love while your roommate makes barfing noises.  Then, one day, you’ll wake up.  You’ll wonder, “what the HELL was I thinking?” and you’ll rejoin campus life.  Make that decision now and save yourself – and your roommate – the sophomoric anguish.
2. Act Like a Nun or a Priest (not the molesting kind) The First 2-3 Weeks of School: I know, the guy next door is smokin’ and you want him now.  But he’ll be there all year long, and let me tell you, your reputation won’t.  A girl friend of mine from college is still remembered for screwing a lacrosse player in the communal showers the second day of her freshman year.  Don’t be that girl.  Screw a guy in the shower on the fifth week and no one will notice.  … Well, probably.
3. Date A LOT: Listen very carefully: There will never – NEVER – be a time in your life when meeting available, intelligent, good-looking, interesting and single people is easier than in COLLEGE.  So get over your moronic propensity towards monogamy and date everyone you meet.
4. Say Yes! Your first year in college is a study in experimentation. It’s a year to find out who you are, who you want to become and what kinds of beer you really, really like. You can only do this if you accept – that is, say yes to – offers of various kinds. Go to lots of parties, join lots of clubs, introduce yourself to random people in the cafeteria by asking them how many glasses of jungle juice they consider “binge drinking.”
5. Act as if You Were the BMOC in High School – Even if You Weren’t.  Who’ll know the difference?  Perception is everything: act like you were always the shit and people will treat you as such.  And if you do by chance go to the same college as some high school classmates who can vouch that you were President of the Chess Club, claim that they have a nasty venereal disease and are just bitter.
6. Just say no … to Dorm-Cest: when you get excited that the hot girl you’re crushing on lives across the hall, think about how hot it will be when you two can’t stand each other anymore and you have to look at her walking to the bathroom in her towel and nasty shower shoes.  Not hot at all.
7. Don’t Introduce Your Sex-Crazed Roommate to Your Crush:  This is self-explanatory.  Violate this rule knowingly and you probably deserve what you’ll get … which is listen to your roommate and your crush open Trojan condom wrappers on the top bunk – for the rest of the semester.  Fun!
8. Actually Go on Dates:  Notice I didn’t say “go to a kegger and try to fuck whomever makes eye contact.”  Contrary to popular belief, it IS possible to date like adults in college.  In fact, you may actually enjoy getting to know your date sober – shocking!  Most importantly, there’s no more desirable entity (to other women) than a guy taking an attractive girl on a nice date.  As my college roommate liked to say, “Girls don’t date hot guys.  They date guys who date hot girls.”
9. Learn to Date Three People At Once: There’s no rule that you can’t casually date more than one person at the same time; it helps ease the pain if one or two doesn’t work out.  Just don’t tell any of them you’re their boyfriend (or girlfriend), and try to keep from dating roommates.  That never ends well, unless you have a threesome, in which case I have to say – congrats!
10. Don’t Leave Your Underwear at His Place: I knew a guy at a certain fraternity who would hang every conquest’s undies on the tree outside his window, visible to all.  And no one wants to be part of a Panty Tree.

Still, you’re going to make loads of mistakes your freshman year.  That’s what freshman years are for.  Look, it’s FAR better to find yourself naked, hung over, covered in shaving cream and tied to a flagpole when you’re in college … than, say, at the office Christmas party.  Believe me.