Articles

GIVE THANKS TO THE ONES YOU'RE NOT WITH
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
NOVEMBER 20, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON 

This Thanksgiving, we should all give thanks --­ to our exes.

Thanks for the jewelry! Thanks for the therapy bills! Thanks for the chlamydia!

Okay, okay - or we could really thank them.

Most people have a tendency to dismiss relationships that don't end in a successful marriage as garbage in, garbage out ­ -- worthless wastes of energy and emotion.

That sort of perspective is absurdly shortsighted. After all, every person you date has taught you something you can carry with you in future relationships, whether that's 'Never date trust fund babies with alcohol issues' or 'butt-kicking, hyper-intelligent women can be very sexy.'

"Every (and we repeat, every) relationship brings a gift, in the form of personal growth, a deeper understanding of life, and respect for both the difficulty and the joy of the relationship process," writes relationship author Barry Vissel, MD. "It is often the pain of our past that serves to open our hearts the most."

Although it's a little 12-step-y, Thanksgiving is the best time of year to put aside the grudges and thank those exes who have helped us -- sometimes unwittingly!

"Thanks for accidentally forgetting your Italian leather shoes here when you left," said Peg Samuel, Founder of SocialDiva.com. "My Shih Tzu needed something new to chew on."

Maybe they were a jerk and broke your heart, maybe you tired of them and broke theirs. Either way, you gained something from the relationship -- if only a firm understanding of the kind of person you don't want to date.

"I'd like to thank my ex's wife for taking him off my hands!" says Lainie Friedman, a PR manager on the West side. "After 10 years of dating him on and off, he still wouldn't commit."

Repeat after me: "Dodged. A. Bullet."

It's not easy to go back to examine your old relationships ­-- especially ones that ended painfully (and don't most?) --­ but thankfulness, which usually entails forgiveness, is certainly cathartic.

"It takes a while for the wounds to heal and step back," says Jon, a lawyer in California and, coincidentally, my ex-fiancé. "But after you do, you can certainly thank your exes for a multitude of things."

"For example, thanks for telling me that I wasn't The One!" he added good-naturedly.

And -- as difficult as it may be to admit -- sometimes our past relationships weren't even that bad. You can thank your exes for being good partners, even if they weren't the right partners for you.

For example, Lizze, a 25-year-old journalist from Atlanta, was dumped the day before Thanksgiving last year, but she's not bitter.

"I am thankful for being shown that there are guys out there who are sweet, romantic and put you first," she said. "Even if it didn't last, it was nice to know that kind of guy really does exist."

That's the cheerful attitude taken by Susan Silver, the 50-something author of "The Search for Mr. Adequate," a weekly column for NewYorkSocialDiary.com.

"Having been divorced a very long time, I am very thankful to my ex for having married me in the first place," she said. "At least I can say someone wanted to. It's looking difficult to get anyone else to do it!"

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DONT WANNA DATE ME? NOW I'M HOOKED
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
NOVEMBER 13, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

A few weeks ago, a guy who had once eagerly asked me out sent me an e-mail with a shockingly straightforward missive: "I'm just not that into you."

In the three months since I've been single, I've gotten several rejections, all for disparate reasons. Oddly, my response to each of them has been identical -- previously uninterested, I was hooked. I wanted them all to fall madly in love with me and propose in Vegas, preferably next week.

Which of course makes no sense. I'd much rather go to the Caribbean.

But the more I thought about it, the more confused I became. Why was I once again susceptible to the irritating and completely masochistic "If He Doesn't Like Me, I Like Him Even More" syndrome? Why did my retarded brain fan the flames of desire every time a guy shot me down? What evolutionary or practical purpose does that serve, if any?

I put those questions to several experts, who at the very least made me feel normal, if still rejected.

"People are naturally drawn to similar levels of attractiveness," Brown University professor and psychologist Dr. Scott Halzman wrote in an e-mail response. "We assume the person who doesn't seem attracted to you must be at a higher level of desirability themselves."

"If we can get them to become attracted to us, they seem more precious, and we, by extension, also feel worth more," Halzman said.

Ah-ha. That makes sense.

Apparently, most of us (myself definitely included) have an overabundant need for approval. Who knew?? Consequently, we look towards others to validate our perceived level of self-esteem, and if we don't find what we're looking for (ie, they don't like us), we try even harder.

"We want to be liked," author Debbie Mandel said. "So, if 50 people in the room adore us and greet us, it's the one person who doesn't that gets our attention. This undermines our self-confidence, and we need to restore it with a win."

The idea of needing to "win" touches upon the maddeningly persistent game-like element to dating. Loving 'the chase' may be a giant cliché, but as any bachelor can tell you, it's alive and well--and thriving--in Manhattan.

"It's human nature that we don't like what comes easily," says Ronnie Ann Ryan, an author and dating coach. "We want what we can't have."

"So when a potential romantic partner is not interested or shows resistance, the pursuer comes alive and the chase begins."

How very ... zoological.

Or you could look at it the way my friend's husband did, who told her that the French have a saying about these relationships: "One lover offers the lips and the other, the cheek."

Can I just air-kiss?

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SPILLING THE SECRET TO MEETING GUYS
AM NEW YORK - "THE DATING LIFE"
NOVEMBER 6, 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

You know that one friend who whines constantly about her love life, repeatedly asks for your advice, and then invariably refuses to take it?

Alyssa Shelasky is not that friend.

Of course, that's because she's bound -- contractually -- to follow the advice of her friends, and by "friends" I mean anyone who reads her 3-month-old dating blog for Glamour magazine.

Simply titled "See Alyssa Date," it should really be called "Hear Alyssa Ruminate About Various Boys, Then Tell Her Whether She Gets to Sleep with Them or Not." But that might be a little lengthy.

Shelasky, a 29-year-old Massachusetts-raised Columbia grad and erstwhile US Weekly reporter, heard about the Glamour gig while going through a particularly difficult relationship crisis.

The "love of her life" told her he could never marry her because she wasn't Greek Orthodox, and she was at an impasse.

"First I was like, 'no way,' then I thought, no, I'm going to take the job, end the relationship, move to L.A., just start fresh," Shelasky said, "It was kind of a blessing."

The blessing requires the self-described "crazy outspoken" Shelasky to write five entries a week about her man-adventures. With a colloquial, confessional style, she doesn't disappoint.

There's "Greek Dentist," "Edgy English Teacher," "23-year-old," "Sexy Euro," "Jeremy Piven" (yes, the real one) and that's just one week. The woman gets dates like a female Hugh Hefner -- no Viagra needed.

"Meeting guys is easy for me," said Shelasky, who was voted class flirt in high school. Still, despite being an attractive, petite brunette, she's almost 30, lives in Los Angeles, and is not a model, actress or even a D-cup. How does she do it??

"Well, I've kicked it up a little," she admitted sheepishly. "I literally have to go in search of guys because I can't exactly write about the fact that my jeans feel tight." Hmm. Good point.

Having a job that forces you to meet men is a good start, but there's no denying that Shelasky really does know how to get a date. Her readers notice it too. "What's your secret?" they ask again and again.

"I just talk to them!" she explained. "I'm hardly perfect, but definitely friendly. I believe that guys, even grown men, are still afraid of girls, and just need a little coddling."

The men she meets aren't in clubs or bars ("Honestly, I hate going out," she insisted), but on the street, in grocery stores, at coffee shops, in her building.

"I will totally initiate conversation," she said to me over the phone. "And confidence is everything. If you meet a guy, just be your friendly, sweet warm self and any good guy will want more. That's my secret."

Hmm ... maybe this dating blogger doesn¹t need anyone's advice after all!"

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COED MAGAZINE
NOVEMBER 2006
BY JULIA ALLISON

Being a former college sex columnist is a dubious distinction.

I wrote news articles my freshman year (you know – riveting stuff like “Famed Physicist Addresses Packed Auditorium Crowd,” and the like).  No one read them.  But the first piece I did for my new column “Sex on the Hilltop,” the crowds (all 23 people who read the Georgetown student newspaper) went wild.  Okay, okay … or someone wrote an offended letter to the editor, which is pretty much the same thing.

“Sex and college go hand in rosy-palmed hand,” said Playboy in a 2003 article on college sex columnists (complete with a spread featuring University of Kansas columnist with nothing but her press pass.)  “University newspapers are finally writing about the one topic that really matters to their readers.”

Given, Playboy thinks everything goes hand in hand with sex, but they’re not off on this one.  In fact, it’s pretty simple equation, one well-known by not only Hugh Hefner but a few of his cronies (Larry Flynt, Felix Dennis … Jenna Jameson): People like to read about things they think about.  Students think about sex.  Therefore, students like to read about sex.

Is it really strange that unmarried, hard-bodied inhabitants of a world filled with bedrooms, alcohol and copious free time free from financial responsibilities like to … fornicate?  Or in lieu of that, read about fornicating?  If anything, it’s a shock that the student newspapers aren’t comprised entirely of sex columns.

So why is it that almost a decade after the advent of the first such column, we still can’t stop talking about them?

According to Dan Reimold, an Ohio University journalism professor and leading expert on the college sex columnist phenomenon, “These columns have the ability to both make people curious and get them riled up.  There’s something novel and fascinating and inexplicable about 19 or 20 year-olds breaking down sex in a way we never could have imagined in prior generations.”

Ah – curiosity, controversy and youthful prurience.  It’s starting to make sense now.

Even The Chronicle of Higher Education has weighed in on the topic: “Writing about sex for college readers can be exhilarating. Sex scribes – almost all of them women – often become instant celebrities on the campus. But there is scrutiny, too. A young woman who is independent, outspoken, and sexually confident might be seen as following in the hip footsteps of Carrie Bradshaw, the fictional sex columnist in HBO's Sex and the City. Or she might be scorned as sophomoric, a slut with a pen.”

Of course, being scorned as “sophomoric” when one actually is a sophomore probably isn’t the most intimidating threat.  But there are harsher comments, too.  In a 2005 article in The Atlantic, writer Sheelah Kolhatkar dismisses college sex columns as “raunchy, clumsily titled, and almost universally cringe-inducing,” and the columnists themselves as “baby pundits” and “undergraduate imitators” with “little experience and no special knowledge.”

Ouch, baby.  Very ouch.

“The constant search for fresh material to satisfy a voyeuristic audience helps explain why reading these columns, especially in large batches, is so wearying,” Kolhatkar continues.  “The faces change, but the sexual concerns remain the same: pornography and orgasms; the pros and cons of virginity and abstinence; sampling adult toys, ‘ex-sex,’ and sex with friends.  And the columns return again and again to the oldest and most banal campus challenge: juggling a roommate and a sexual partner.”

HA! … I would never write about those lame subjects…  oh.  Wait. (Reviews list of former college columns.)  Finds the following:

Oct 25, 2002 - “‘Just Friends’ Continues It’s Timeless Debate"
January 1, 2003 - “The Dos and Don’ts of Ex Sex"
October 17, 2003 - “To Do It or Not To Do It: The Virginity Question"
September 5, 2003 - “Three’s Company: Hooking Up When You Have a Roommate.”

Crap!!

So Kolhatkar isn’t wrong.  College sex columns do have an annoying propensity to repeat the same tired subjects over and over – or so it seems to the outside world.  But what that world forgets is that to these students, these concerns are brand new!  I look back at many of my columns and think “God, was I really so confused about that?  JUST DO IT WITH YOUR ROOMMATE IN THE ROOM!  Hell, ASK HER TO JOIN YOU!”  But at the time, the whole thing seemed overwhelming and bewildering and yes, worthy of a column in the student newspaper.

Was I an expert then?  Or a “sexpert,” as the case may be?  No.  (I’m still not.  Although I’m much closer!)  But I talked a lot about it.  I thought a lot about it.  I read a lot about it.  And hopefully I offered enough perspective and entertainment so that it became a worthwhile part of the paper, if only as a conversation starter.

As Mindy Friedman, UC Berkley’s sex columnist, said to me last fall, “The thing is, we’re still students.  We aren't going to have medical degrees; what we have to offer is a unique point of view. We’re putting ourselves out there to inform others that they are not alone in their sexual queries and quests to discover themselves!”

“So what if our articles are explicit - so is our behavior!” she points out. “Why doesn't anyone want us to write about this stuff?  Our writing reflects our curiosities, whether people want to acknowledge it or not.  So when they criticize our writing, they are criticizing our sexual freedom.”

As my dad (who grudgingly read my college column, hoping it was “just a phase” and I’d soon apply to law school) would say:  Boom!*

*Geriatric version of "Oh Snap!"

SIDEBAR: Favorite College Sex Columnists’ Quotes

• "I am still the first to advocate sex without attachment.  It can be done.  Hell, I've done it more than once."
  - Miriam Datskovsky, "On Sex, Desperation and Awkward Confessions," Columbia Spectator, December 12, 2005
• "Sex is the constant act: it involves a penis (or two), a vagina (or two), and sometimes an ass (or two). Monogamy is the changing factor.”
  - Miriam Datskovsky, "Thoughts for Another Day," Columbia Spectator, January 23, 2006
• "I have to confess, part of what makes writing this column so difficult is that I haven't ever gotten off from oral sex.”
  - Miriam Datskovsky, "Spitting, Swallowing and Some Other Secrets," Columbia Spectator, September 26, 2005
• “Does anyone know why we’re so damn shy about sex? … People — women get yeast infections! We need tampons! Condom commercials are necessary and — for goodness’ sake — all of these things are a part of real life!"
  - Marisa Picker, "Sex is Not a Dirty Word," Diamondback, (University of Maryland), January 31, 2006
• "The movement toward gender equality has progressed from suffrage to the workforce to sex. Perhaps a purple, waterproof dildo that suctions to the shower wall wasn’t exactly what Susan B. Anthony had in mind as a tool for female empowerment, but hey, whatever works, right?"
  - Marisa Picker, "Sexual Healing Makes Us Feel Oh So Fine," Diamondback, (University of Maryland), April 4, 2006
• "Admittedly, I have never dated a younger man. I have never even hooked up with a younger guy. … Then again, is such a relationship that bad? … Give the freshman guy a chance, you never know. He might be the next Ashton Kutcher."
  - Heather K. Strack, "The Younger Man, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Freshman Guys," Dartmouth Free Press, January 27, 2006
• "Granted, there is no polite way to wipe poo off the wall, but there are ways to deal with awkward situations in bed. Take for example, the enigma of the wet spot. This can be unpleasant, unless you're screwing on a Slip n' Slide, in which case, enjoy the ride. But normally, you have to deal with the spot, on the spot, or you'll end up with a collection of crusty zones. … And for fuck's sake, change the sheets before you get down with someone else. Don't think no one will notice your hard-baked fluids if you turn the lights off."
  - Mindy Friedman, "Bedroom Blunders," The Daily Californian (UC Berkeley), November 8, 2005
• "Let's face it: we all love orgasms.”
  - Sara Franklin, "Toying With Your Sex Life," The Tufts Daily, October 11, 2005
• “Think of sex like food … If you only ate peanut butter and jelly for the rest of your life, wouldn't you get bored? Yeah, I thought so. So free your mind, take a chance, and see what toys can do for you. For me and everyone I know who has taken the plunge, discovering toys has been enlightening and … oh... oh... ooooooooooooooooooohhhh... so gratifying.”
  - Sara Franklin, "Toying With Your Sex Life," The Tufts Daily, October 11, 2005
• "While a good cheese is easier to find than good oral sex, we don't deserve to eat good cheese if we can't appreciate it ... If anyone out there has more oral sex than cheese, you'd better be lactose intolerant or I hate you."
  - Sara Franklin, "The Great Debate," The Tufts Daily, November 8, 2005

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