What Happens in Cancun ... Stays in Cancun. Sort of. Sometimes.
SPRING 2007
BY JULIA ALLISON
I’ve never gone on spring break. Oh sure, I thought about it. Watched MTV on it. Practiced “going wild” in front of my mirror to prepare for it. But for some reason, I made it through my entire college career without ever experiencing the triple sweetness that is Simultaneous severe alcohol poisoning, Sunstroke and STDs … in a beach-centric locale, of course.
I sincerely regret missing out – shockingly, those things just aren’t as much fun once you’ve graduated.
But you, my wanton cupcakes, still have time! In order to engage in the maximum amount of tropical debauchery before rent, gravity and liver failure take effect, follow my advice below.
Then get your ass on a plane to Mexico, sew a little pocket into your swimsuit to hold the condom and repeat this mantra to yourself: never again will I have so many more or less naked, nubile 19-year-olds wanting to jump my bones (unless I intend to become a professional athlete).
In other words, gather ye rosebuds, bitches. You're in for a ride.
Dr. Drew once referred to spring break as the “Super Bowl of hookups.” (Although, really, wouldn’t the actual Super Bowl be the Super Bowl of hookups?) Obviously his comment was intended as negative, but I choose not to see it that way. SB is more like your big chance to get “being a giant ho” out of your system, so when you arrive back on campus, you can return to your normal, non-promiscuous self. (Rrright.)
The goal: Hook up as much as possible with as few venereal disease ridden mates as possible.
How? Well, you could go the traditional route and, you know, USE CONDOMS.
Or you could take the tactic of this recent Princeton graduate: “Leave a cup full of fresh squeezed lemon juice on the bedside table. When you bring a girl home, dip your fingers in it and if the girl experiences any, uh, discomfort, give her the boot.”
He calls it the “Open Sore Test” (classy!) Says a friend of his, “Hey, it’s kept him (mostly) STD free despite 100+ lady friends.” A rousing endorsement.
#2: If you see the GGW trucks, run.
As ABC News reported recently, “some women on spring break will flash the entire Western world at the drop of a hat.”
And thanks to Joe Francis and his team of hat-distributing, release-wielding seducers, the entire Western world is able to watch them do so. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a little flashing. But flashing with recording devices nearby? Maybe not the best decision.
So don’t get distracted by video crews offering you free shots for stripping down and making out with your best friend. Your father will see this and he will disown you. After he buys a copy. You know, just to see.
#3: Avoid photographic evidence.
Digital cameras + illegal and/or immoral activity = bad.
Put simply: What happens in Cancun stays in Cancun only if you don’t post it on Facebook, dumbass.
It’ll just be that much more difficult to convince your girlfriend that you didn’t bang three other chicks if she sees Flickr photos of you doing body shots off of boob-job blondes. Who happen to be naked.
Do yourself a favor and bribe your friends to delete the compromising pix. Or just throw them in the pool. Either way.
#4: Cheating on spring break isn’t cheating if you lie.
See #3.
#5: There is no such thing as a bad spring break hook up. Unless they pee on you.
Aside from hooking up on the floor of a Mexican bar (gross), or in a bathroom (small and gross), the standards for sexual encounters on SB are just so much lower (drunker?) than normal, it’s difficult to sink to the level of “bad.”
Take “Mick,” a senior at UW Madison, who ‘breaked it up in Acapulco last year. “Me and the girl I met at a party, hooked up, then I had to bail her out of jail.” A turn-off, right? No, says Mick. “It made the hook up even better.”
Only on spring break, kids. Only on spring break.