ShoeString Theory: How to Fake It 'Till You Make It
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JUNE 14-19, 2007
JULIA ALLISON
I’ve been on all sorts of dates – some cheap (Queens!), some definitively not (St Barths!). But as any veteran dater knows, it’s not the total outlay on your black Amex that makes a date extraordinary. A bargain outing can seem extravagant, while the most expensive can be downright trashy (like the guy who showed me the bill for our super-pricey dinner because it was a “weird” number – $666. Classy!).
So you can’t (or don’t want to) compete with some private equity guy’s tickets to the Met and helicopters to the Hamptons? No worries! Amir Blumenfeld, Ethan Trex and Neel Shah, the three twenty-something rouge authors of Faking It: How to Seem Like a Better Person without Actually Improving Yourself, have brainstormed solutions for just you, you cheapskate.
Four Ways to Fake an Expensive Date:
1) Take her on the Staten Island Ferry. Cost: free! Benefits: a view, a breeze, an ever-romantic tourist view of the Statute of Liberty. “No tickets are necessary,” says Blumenfeld, “but print out a couple fake ones and hand them to the attendant when you get on the boat.” Clever! “Then ask somebody where first class is, and before they get a chance to laugh, whisk your date away to the upper deck.” For “bonus points,” he adds, recite the poem inscribed on the side of the statue. Thrifty and an intellectual. Show off.Of course, you could always just take her to your parents’ house for dinner. She won’t mind coughing up for her own JetBlue ticket – she’s getting to meet your mom!! Ah, priceless and cheap.
2) Convince her the cheap wine is amazing using your psychosomatic prowess. “When the wine list comes,” says Trex, “frown and say, ‘Man, that must be a typo. There's this fantastic bottle, but it's the second cheapest on the menu. Someone's going to get fired over that!’ and order the second cheapest bottle. It's a lie, but taste buds are extremely suggestible.” As are women, apparently.
3) Try a Picnic in the Park. “It’s a known fact that women love cheese and wine,” says Blumenfeld. (He is correct. Also, sugar.) “For the price of one dinner date you’ll have enough money to purchase a bottle of wine, organic crackers, delicious fruit, and a cheese wheel or two.” Add some deli flowers and you’re a regular nature-loving Casanova, with enough cash to spring for Starbucks on the walk home.
4) Do the whole “art museum thing” right. “Pick an exhibit and do 20-30 minutes of online research about the featured artists and symbolism,” says Trex. “Then tell your date you've been dying to see this show, casually dropping the facts you learned.” The result? “You'll look cultured and passionate rather than someone who was too cheap to take a woman to dinner.” Clever boy.
But what if you’re afraid you’ve been bamboozled by a renegade cheapo? Neel, Amir and Ethan recommend looking for the following signs. Watch out if he/she …
1) Always forgets his wallet. Even when you've ordered delivery at his house.
2) Says, “Let’s stay in and cook again! I have this new killer Top Ramen recipe.”
3) Gives you flowers with roots and dirt coming out of the bottom.
4) Says, “It’s only 80 blocks, and it’s barely even raining. Come on, let’s walk, it’ll be romantic.”
5) Shares her studio. “You can’t convert that 12x14 space into three bedrooms,” says Blumenfeld. “I don’t care how many towels you put up as dividers.”
6) Convinces you the trash outside of a really nice restaurant is way classier than eating inside a mediocre place.
7) Doesn't buy Internet service because "there's lot of free signal floating around.”
8) Says the same thing about laptops.
9) Makes you go through the subway turnstile with him to save on Metrocard swipes.
10) Charges you a cover when you come over for drinks.