Bodily Dysfunction
TIME OUT NEW YORK
JULY 18-25, 2007
JULIA ALLISON
Personally, I would prefer that the men I date think of me as a nice-smelling robot – incapable of peeing, farting, burping, menstruating, sweating, or, yeah, #2. And honestly, I’d be quite content to think the same of them.
It’s not that I’m against bodily functions, per se. I suppose they have their purposes - toxin excretion, gas discharge, uterine housecleaning, womb regeneration, that sort of thing. I just don’t think they have a place in the tenuous and judgmental world of dating.
That said, there comes a time in every relationship when the reality of being a living, breathing, and yes, excreting animal becomes difficult to avoid – particularly since most NYC apartments lack extra bathrooms and soundproof walls. But how long until you can relax your, uh, “standards” in front of your significant other? Or should you ever?
He’s not the only one. “For guys,” says Ned, 41, a magazine writer, “nothing kills it faster than seeing, hearing or even imagining anything involving women and excrement.”
Um, exactly. There’s a fine line between cute-we’re-comfortable! And murdering the mood … forever.
“I will go to my grave not pooping,” says Maureen, 28, an editor. “Pee is totally different – I can talk to a guy while peeing. My threshold is shit.”
A college boyfriend of mine regularly peed in front of me, but scuttled back to his dormitory to do anything more, ah, serious. Another boyfriend used to go down to the lobby of any hotel we were staying at to “get the paper” – which was, of course, code for “I have to take a giant …” well, you know.
Personally, I’m a big fan of the Camouflage-Pee-Sounds-with-Running-Water trick, a widespread coping mechanism during the first few months of dating.
But some guys find peeing … hot? “There’s a big difference between girl-peeing and guy-peeing,” says Ned. “Girls can actually make it seem sexy. They’re seated, it’s quiet, and there’s the whole dangling-panties thing. Guys pee like donkeys. A guy really shouldn’t pee in a girl’s presence until she pees in his.”
“Depending on how much I like the guy, it’s a few weeks until I turn the water off,” says Madeline, 25, a designer. “It's the poop that's tough because water isn't helping with the odor. That's the beauty of public bathrooms. My mom has actually not pooped for weeks while on vacation with even her husbands. There should probably be a clause added in the vows that a man will still honor and love you no matter how stinky your excrement is!”
“Bottom line,” she says, “when I get married and have my own house, my dream is to have my own toilet!”
Dare to dream, Madeline. Dare to dream.